January 08, 2009


To post or not to post...

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July 26, 2007

Your Polluting Ways

Ah, CNN gives us this. I would think it wise to save comparison of waste to people for only insulting situations.

polluting.jpg hln

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July 21, 2007


Dustbury's site sent me here. Personality tests are so fun.


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July 05, 2007

Word of the Day

Absquatulate: to flee; abscond.

The baby has absquatulated with the household spatula.


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May 06, 2007

Whew, They Make Those

Is this not the best idea?
Grill Soaker

Quick And Easy Cleanup
Drop your grill's grate in this tub, fill it with warm water and grease remover and watch a summer's worth of burned-on mess disappear with almost no work! Ideal for cleaning grills before you put them away for the season. Large size accommodates most grates.
It'll fit your round pizza pans, too. Go and soak!


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April 04, 2007

An Exercise in Social Engineering

Hey, try this for some fun.

Have trouble talking to strangers? A little insecure around the opposite sex? Want to appear more confident and charasmatic?

Borrow a baby, head to the nearest grocery store, and practice these tactics.
  • Smile, pick up a product, and explain its color, size, and/or function to the child. Lift your eyebrows when you talk.
  • Everytime the child smiles, for whatever reason, lean down and nuzzle his or her nose.
  • While interacting with your child, make an aside comment to the people who pass you. For example, "Jimmy, you like this lady's bonnet, don't you?" Or, in baby's voice (a high-pitched kind of nasal version of your own), "That's my favorite brand of butter, too!"
  • If the child isn't smiling at a person you'd like to interact with, tickle his foot or underarm. Make baby talk noises. Blow raspberries. A child's smile is worth more than you know.
If you're still not achieving social success, pick another baby; ensure this baby has dimples and not colic.

These tactics often works with small animals, too, but those aren't often allowed in places where you can easily sneak a baby.


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March 28, 2007

Where Will Residents Put Their Cat Litter?

San Francisco to ban plastic grocery bags
SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) -- San Francisco's Board of Supervisors voted Tuesday to become the first U.S. city to ban plastic bags from large supermarkets to help promote recycling.

Under the legislation, beginning in six months large supermarkets and drugstores will not be allowed to offer plastic bags made from petroleum products.

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October 23, 2006

The Joel Quotient

The name Joel means "God is willing." I looked this up because I know only four males named Joel, and three of them serve in a ministry capacity in my church. Three! There are not that many positions in the church, so I found that to be a large cluster of Joels.

If you know Joels, are they Christian? Just curious. I only know of one other, and we were 8 years old at the time, so I really don't have a way to follow up.


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October 16, 2006

Wherein Heather States the Obvious

Hey, if you stop blogging for a while, your readers go away! hln

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October 13, 2006

Call to the Bullpen

Watching the Cardinals and Mets. Chris Carpenter was just pulled by my son's call here...

Call to the Bullpen


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October 11, 2006 No More

Ok - so this happened back in August, but I live in a time warp now. changed her name back to Karin Robertson.
"I think maybe its time had come and gone," said Karin Robertson, who had been known as since March 2003.
I wonder if friends called her Go or Veg for short. Doesn't matter anymore.


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September 01, 2006

The Patriarchy Strikes Again

From news about Hurricane John...

Meanwhile, Tropical Storm Kristy was downgraded from a hurricane Friday as it churned farther out in the Pacific Ocean, with maximum sustained winds of 69 mph. Forecasters said it was possible the larger Hurricane John could eventually absorb Kristy.
Even the female hurricanes are oppressed.


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June 27, 2006

Axl "Femur Destroyer" Rose

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Axl Rose was arrested early Tuesday after allegedly biting a security guard in the leg at his hotel, police said.

Which leg? Why a leg? I want to know! The details the media leave out...sigh.


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Sesame Street Personality Quiz

I wonder if the results would be different if I weren't pregnant and due in 3 days...

You Are Cookie Monster
Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth.

You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around.

You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking

How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"
The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Link found on The Llama


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April 27, 2006

Somebody Caption This, Please

These are my parents in 1970. I'm ever so curious to know what they're smirking about.



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January 22, 2006

Verbal Genius Anyway

Took the "Mensa" test, the validity of which I question. I've seen at least 8 - 10 of these before just from little quizzes my mother the English teacher had access to and foisted upon me in my youth.

The test refers to itself too much. It'd be better if there were no overlap. I got 28.5 out of 33 - couldn't ever get the spelling right on one because it wasn't done in vernacular, but I had the terms right.

I'm no dummy, but I'm no genius, either. I'd say I'm just an excellent pattern matcher, which serves me really well in my job.

So, if you've visited the site and taken the test, did you notice the grammar error in one of the answers?


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January 20, 2006

Terrorism and Poetry Readings

So I read on CNN: Bin Laden's No. 2 releases poetry tape

And the first thing that came to mind was Robert Burns' A Red, Red Rose

Can't you see it?

O MY Luve 's like a red, red rose
  That 's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve 's like the melodie
  That's sweetly play'd in tune!

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,     5
  So deep in luve am I:
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
  Till a' the seas gang dry:

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
  And the rocks melt wi' the sun;  10
I will luve thee still, my dear,
  While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
  And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,   15
  Tho' it were ten thousand mile.

And in my mind he had a Scottish accent.


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December 01, 2005


Brevity is the soul of wit.

William Shakespeare, Hamlet


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October 23, 2005

Beware of Aardvarks

So I had this dream this morning. And it went a little like this.

Brian and I had a dog (we don't) that we had to get up to let him/her outside on a weekend morning at about 8. He went to do that, and I wandered into the living room (though it was not a house I recognize), and standing in front of me was an AARDVARK. I kid you not.

It had some menacing and snaggled teeth. I said something forcefully to it, which caused it to back away a little. Then Brian entered the room, calmly scooped the aardvark under his arm, opened the back door, and threw it into the yard.



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October 08, 2005

Never Set the Cat on Fire

Oh my, I'm cracking up. I'm in here working, and MP3s are running in the background. Brian has this tape called Quarks and Quests that I ripped and put into the iTunes collection. Quality's not bad because I have good equipment.

At any rate, there's this song called "Never Set the Cat on Fire" and it's just...hilarious in that geeky way. The tune is this little happy peppy thing, which adds to the absurd fun of the lyrics.

Here you go (a Google search finds the vocalist is Frank Hayes).
Never set the cat on fire; you only will annoy it.
The heat will make the beast perspire; she surely won't enjoy it.
Likewise, do not ignite the dog, the snake, the gerbil, or the frog.
No, never set the cat on fire.
And mind circumstances may require
And never set the cat on fire.

Don't open up the cabin hatch; the air is sure to leave it.
And air is very hard to catch; you never will retrieve it.
And though you think your life's a bore, don't open the reactor door.
Don't open up the cabin hatch.
And mind your circumstances may require
And never set the cat on fire.

Don't change the navigator's data; someone's sure to see ya.
You know the captain's view of that - a very bad idea.
He doesn't want his ship to race, forever lost in endless space.
Don't change the navigator's data.
And mind your circumstances may require

Don't start an interstellar war; it has no helpful uses.
If people ask you "what's it for?" you'll only make excuses.
If thirty trillion folks get hurt, you'll go to bed with no dessert.
Don't start an interstellar war.
And mind your circumstances may require.
And never set the cat on fire.

Yes mind your circumstances may require.
And never set the cat on fire.

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October 04, 2005

Nails and Lipstick Explained

A couple of days ago, I posed the "what do you think of lipstick, what do you think of nails?" question. Your responses are as I expected.

This all came about because a woman on the plane had her cell phone out the SECOND we landed, and when she found out that her appointment was cancelled, she immediately booked a manicure.

Now, I've never had a manicure in my LIFE. I do tend to keep my nails trimmed, shaped, and clean. And when I play around with polish (I like to), I do it for me, and I realize that only women are going to be looking at it, typically. Can't really wear lipstick - cakes too quickly for me. Sometimes I'll put it on and then completely wipe it off. Leaves a bit of color but no residue. A male friend shared with me once that lipstick grosses him out. I suspected he was not the only one. You all confirm that.

Thank you for affirming that I understand the male mind. ;)


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September 30, 2005

Curiosity: Nails and Lipstick

This is a question for the men:

Do you look at a woman's fingernails? If so, then what impresses you? Is it:

A) Length, shape, recency of polish job?
B) Whether or not nails are polished?
C) Decorations on fingernails?
D) Cleanliness of nails, polished or unpolished - doesn't matter?
E) You don't look at fingernails.

Now I have a question about lipstick. Do you:
A) Like lipstick and think it enhances a woman's sensuality/sexuality?
B) Like lipstick, but it depends on the color on the woman?
C) Like lipstick, but wish it stayed on the woman?
D) Dislike lipstick because it's fake and messy?

I have sneaking suspicions I know the answer to these. But I need a sampling. Tell your friends to comment, gentlemen. I'll follow this post up in a couple of days with my "sneaking suspicions." And how/why this topic came about.


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September 19, 2005

Random Fact of the Day

If you have bumps on your thyroid gland (many do - I have 11 or so of them), they're called thyroid NODULES, not thyroid NOGGLES. Yes, I know what I'm talking about. Go look that up on WebMD or something.


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August 28, 2005

Chore Games: Plant or Weed?

Ok - everyone can try this game. It'll add some spice to the mundane.
Rules: Let flowerbed go unweeded for an extended period of time. For example, 6 weeks. The game actually commences when your spouse pulls the "big weeds." (We had one threatening to eat a window)

Layer self with bug spray/lotion. Commence weeding.

  • Give yourself 1 point for every weed you pull
  • Subtract 5 points for every plant you pull (oops)
  • Give yourself back ten (10) points for every plant you find your spouse has pulled (made some good points this way)
  • Subtract 10 points for every bug bite you incur
At the end, do you have a positive total? I didn't, and I pulled a LOT of weeds.

UPDATE: Submitted to the Beltway Traffic Jam. hln

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Fun Facts about Illinois

By Harvey! In, uh, honor of all the time I spend riding through the rural, "sane," part of the state, go visit. Here are a couple:

10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.
People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.
During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.

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August 25, 2005

Capri Pants

In my personal hell, I'd be wearing Capri pants. I honestly don't know what the rage of these dumb things is all about. I can't imagine they look good on anyone; I know they don't look good on me.

It's the same deal with skirts that end mid calf. WHY? Skirts need to be at the ankles or above the knees. If they end mid calf, muscular legs look just plain fat. I suppose women with too-skinny legs might look good in such apparel, but, yeek, are they ugly.

I know, this is such an important topic. How dare I put it off until a late Thursday night because I can't sleep.


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August 24, 2005

Fashion Trends

Stewart Appears in Court in Breach Suit

From the picture, the Breach Suit is neither dark nor light gray, carrying with it a hint of "dammit, I'm 60, but I don't look it - my hair still funks out the same."


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August 15, 2005

Sea Turtle Shuffle

I posted briefly in my tipsy airport blogging spree that Florida law protects Sea Turtle nests. I wasn't aware how much (via Ravenwood).

For six months out of the year, residents of Cocoa Beach (and other parts of Florida) are forced to stumble around in the dark once the sun goes down. That's because baby sea turtles are too stupid to find the ocean once they hatch, and often end up following man-made lights instead of the moon. Now, turtles hatchlings are only born for one month during the year, but never the less from May 1 to November 1 residents who dare to turn on the light after 9 PM face a $1000 fine.
Seems a bit silly; can't inconvenience infant most likely still-gestating turtles. Wonder what the hurricanes do to them and who has to pay a fine.


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August 12, 2005

iPod Jr.

There's an iPod blog. Talk about specialization. On said iPod blog I found this, which is most funny.

Scroll your child.


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August 08, 2005

Delayed Flight Wisdom

Just a few thoughts from the Tampa airport as I wait to board my now-three-hours-late flight.

  • The airport Chili's doesn't serve strong enough frozen drinks. Order twice as many. Shrug off the cost with an "I'm on vacation."
  • Florida marks Sea Turtle nests on the beach and declares it illegal to tamper with said nests.
  • One shouldn't sunburn her shoulders when having to carry both a heavy purse and a laptop.
  • Never ever get involved with the Literary Guild online "customer service" (an oxymoron in its own right - more to come when I have easy use of a mouse)
  • Two hours of people watching is the limit for entertainment on just two frozen margaritas.
  • Florida teaches Missourians proper skill levels for zippy U-turns.
  • A minivan is not a convertible. Somehow, a minivan is an "upgrade" for a convertible. I disagree, car rental agent.
  • WiFi in the airport...way cool
  • FreeCell - not so hard.
Horribly inane, I know.


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July 11, 2005


So I get this call last night - one of those where you KNOW it's a solicitor because the person isn't there immediately when you answer. I pause half a second, and I get this slow-but-lilting female voice...

May I speak to BRLEEEEan orl Heather Nuggle?
Ok - no telemarketing for you, chickee. I can understand Noggle name slaughter because native English speakers love to call me Mrs. Noogle, but BRLEEEEan? Ugh.


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Aaron'd better move to MO

Brian thinks that Illinois is is on the brink of secession. Instapundit takes interest.

(Aaron - MO has a nice governor.)


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June 29, 2005

Not a Caption Contest Per Se...

Ok, so a woman is offering to "Tattoo your logo" on her as an eBay auction. Check this out.

What do YOU think should go there?


Posted by hln at 03:14 PM | Comments (3)

June 28, 2005

Random Factoid

The Dutch word for legs is bekijken.


Posted by hln at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2005

The Perfect Husband

So, I had on shorts yesterday after the ride, and I was checking out my reflection in the mirror. I'm a tad Rubenesque these days (though not obnoxiously so), and that coupled with age has given me a smidge of cellulite. I said:

"Eww, I have cellulite."

Brian said, "what's that?"


Posted by hln at 10:25 AM | Comments (3)

June 24, 2005


I decided today that I have way too few female friends, so I'm holding auditions. No whiners, please.


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March 31, 2005

She Wore An Itsy...

People Europeans (of all people!) are grousing because toddler bikinis are now available, er, they were.

OSLO (Reuters) - A Swedish bikini-style top for toddlers will be withdrawn from sale amid criticism from a Norwegian cabinet minister that bra-like clothing was inappropriate for small girls.

"It is remarkably daft to make bra-like bikinis for one-year-olds," Norwegian Minister of Children and Family Affairs Laila Daavoey was quoted as telling the Norwegian daily Verdens Gang Thursday.

"This is a terrible commercialization of childhood. Children are not women. Bikinis on small children are a way of linking children to sexuality. We must say 'No' to this," she said.
But, see, if these same female children went topless, no controversy.

Am I wrong?

James Joyner has it, too.


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March 23, 2005

New Hires

My company hired a couple of new coders.

AFLAAAC! Er, no, wait - we're not ducks.  i++;

AFLAAAC! Er, no, wait - we're not ducks. i++;


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February 21, 2005

Why We're Hitched

Brian and I scored pretty close to each other on the Moral Matrix test (see his scores).

Here're mine.


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February 07, 2005

You Sick, Sick People

I know I haven't been writing, like, at all, but my hits are through the roof this last week. Not sure how, but one of the images on this blog is getting a lot of attention.

Lotsa dudes out there looking for leggy women, I suppose. Why now? Who knows.


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December 14, 2004


I actually stress myself out about the realization that I'll likely be stressed out in the future.

Not so sure this is normal. Like, I have this hideous workload that, from today's perspective, it looks like I'll have to work on the days we're given as holidays, Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. (Or the days after, which are both Sundays).

And this stresses me out. It's far enough in the future I should just do all I can to see that it doesn't happen (and deal with it if it does). But what do I do? I stress.

So the blog may be semi-blank again. No real time to read others' blogs, either. This is the second crazy holiday season in a row, though, truth be told, I think my sanity was better last year.

Stress about stress.


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December 12, 2004

Things I've Discovered While Not Blogging

1) Everyone else keeps blogging. People, don't you know the world's supposed to stop for me?

2) News keeps occurring. See #1.

3) It isn't wise to eat too many of your test cookies, as your waist might expand. Give them to your husband instead.

4) Buck Rogers is really funny.

5) We really DO have five cats, and, boy, are they demanding.

6) These little games called Zuma and Bejeweled (now you understand why I've been gone).

7) The earth is round! Really, it is.

8) John Nance novels.

9) The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

10) Tech books are REALLY cheap on

11) My 10 year-old keyboard finally died.

12) Brian knows how to hang curtains.

13) Heather does not.

14) How to organize 5 - 15 year-old puzzle books to keep only what you'll actually use.

15) The need to organize everything else in the house.

16) And, finally, "hey, my blog is REALLY bare."


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October 27, 2004

Editing Noggles Love Emerald Nuts

During the postseason baseball games, the commercials have tended to be dry and highly repetitious. Not so for the Emerald Nuts commercials, each of which has made me at least giggle. First there was the Egomaniacal Normans, and I was hooked from there.

So I finally found the product at the grocery store. We Noggles are nut consumers, especially on salads, so I picked up some cashews, since we already have quite a stash of both pecans and walnuts. Mmm, cashews.

Slate seems to agree with me about the Emerald Nut mania.
There's no better way to make us remember a name than to shape the entire campaign around the name itself. Each ad hammers home "E.N." for "Emerald Nuts." I can't think of a campaign more likely to "get credit" for its spots—the mnemonic ensures that we'll never forget which product these ads are for.

And the ads themselves are goofy and appealing. My favorites: "Elegant Naysayers" (a teenager wears a frilly, aristocratic costume—and hates everything) and "Evil Navigators" (a guy in the passenger's seat gives directions from a map ... and then calmly spins his head 360 degrees, a la The Exorcist, before grabbing a handful of nuts from a jar on the dashboard).

But the true genius here isn't the content of the ads. It's the length, the abundance, and the careful scheduling of the ads. According to Diamond's vice president of marketing, Sandy McBride, once the "E.N." idea was settled on, everything else fell into place. They decided to run a whole lot of 15-second ads instead of a few 30-second ones. In part this was because the joke is so simple, it can't fill even 30 seconds of airtime. But Diamond also knew that, with a limited budget, it would get much more bang for its buck. There are 15 different spots in the campaign right now. (McBride says they shot them all together, in three days.) The diversity helps prevent ad fatigue, where we've seen the same spot so many times that we tune it out.
Kudos Emerald Nuts (and Diamond). You've inspired a consumer. Your product is tasty, too!

Update: If you haven't seen 'em, the commercials are on the Emerald Nuts site.


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October 18, 2004

Republicans Have Better Sex

That was the big headline on the Drudge Report this morning. Yeah, I clicked it.
Who "fakes it" more? Democrats. Perhaps that alone is the answer.

I'm waiting for the "who's happier with self" poll. I bet the answers will be the same, especially among the personally responsible crowd, which is usually in the conservative/libertarian arena.


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October 11, 2004


Brian and I have been following the Cardinals in playoff baseball. Because neither of us is a TV watcher except for live sports, we're really not all that attuned to commercials. But we have seen quite a lot of the two new Subway commercials wherein Jared lightly snarks on McDonald's fat content.

Brian said, "yep, Jared's gained back a bit of that weight." And he has, that Jared boy. Probably nothing that will affect his health, but you can see a bit of pudginess and lack of muscle definition even through his dorky sweater (that thing will probably show up on e-Bay some day, and boy is it ugly).

So I paid more attention each time the commercials appeared (oh, those half inning breaks). You know what it really is. Jared Fogle has MANBOOBS!

They're not huge or anything, but they're there. Some incline presses posthaste, m'man.


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September 09, 2004

Red, White, and Blue

Bumper sticker I saw on a car today - picture of an American flag with text that read "these colors don't run the world."

What I thought: "Someone tell that to France."


Posted by hln at 08:39 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 07, 2004

The Next Best Thing?

For all of you Google and other search engine visitors for the search term "Samus Aran naked" (for there are many), I give you this.
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Playboy is taking a chance on silicon instead of silicone. The October issue of the men's magazine features several video game characters posing in the nude - images created by the game companies through detailed computer illustration.

"Hopefully the purists won't get too bent out of shape. This is just the next version of the pinup," said Playboy senior editor Scott Alexander, who developed the project.

The computerized models are part of the magazine's video game preview, titled "Gaming Grows Up." The five-page section starts with a topless image of the half-vampire, half-human title character from "BloodRayne," a leather-clad woman who fights with three-foot blades attached to her arms.
I guess the next line should be "Move Over Jessica Cutler?"

Look at the pixels on HER.


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September 06, 2004

Oil! Oil!

Brian tells you what the world would be like if it were "all about the oil."

It involves real imperialism! Go read.


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"Updating" a Brand

I've commented recently to Brian that I don't like Pizza Hut's updated logo. I think it was changed sometime in the last three years or so - the kinda scribbly print when it used to be block letters with a horizontally levelled "hut." That logo promised stability and memories for me, but I guess today's brandmeisters felt it was out of date.

Pizza Hut Old Logo PizzaHutNew.jpg
KFC did it, too - when the name officially changed to KFC from Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1991. As if a big old Colonel (the hardest word on EARTH to spell as a child) would carry the brand. And that Colonel was everywhere.

I can't think of anything else offhand, but I know a lot of brands get updates. And for some reason this was on my mind today.

kfc.jpg KFCnew.jpg

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August 31, 2004

Conventional Wisdom?

That stinker husband of mine asked for it.

He's been this blogging fool, using his main computer to type, and streaming the convention in on the eMac that's hooked to the T1. Yeah, we Noggles have it rough here.

So, yes, George P. Bush does have a beautiful smile. The word "yum" does come to mind. The twins didn't impress me much - tried to be too cute, and it didn't fly, but I loved Schwarzenneger's speech. Loved it. Must get transcript of the "know you're a Republican if" section. Often, I feel like I'm the last Republican on earth (save the spouse). The convention's helping to rid me of that.


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August 13, 2004

Olympic Google

Olympic Google is pretty cool.

I'm a big fan of the Olympic Games, preferring the winter Olympics over the summer, though. I'm still awed by gymnastics and swimming (neither of which I can really do, though I sure gave both a shot as a child. I remember falling off the balance beam when I was 7 or so. That balance thing has never been a strong point). And this year I'm sure I'll tune in to some cycling.


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August 10, 2004

The Cat Who Didn't Like To Fly

Brian sent me this. Thought I'd share.

Attack kitty decided it'd had enough of this overseas flying, according to this SF Gate article.
A Belgian airliner made an emergency landing after an agitated passenger -- a cat -- got into the cockpit and attacked the co-pilot, the airline said Tuesday.

The SN Brussels flight from the Belgian capital to Vienna, Austria, had been in the air about 20 minutes Monday when "it was noticed" that a passenger's pet had escaped from its cage, "although it is not yet clear how," according to an airline statement.
The cat's still singing from the slammer, "I scratched the co-pilot...but I did not scratch the other crew." Okay, maybe that's a stretch.


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August 08, 2004

Oh, Look. I Completely Sunburned My Nose

For what else could be the caption here.


This is Atari Party V, which took place last evening. Brian has a full chronicle of it, including 31 pictures. If you want to take a look at our house, and, as he's pointed out, see that we do have friends, here you go.

(If you're new here, I'm the slightly drunk looking chick with the sunburned nose looking right at the photographer.)

The sunburned nose is actually from the, oh, 57.5 mile bike ride I undertook that morning. I didn't renew the sunscreen, so, there you have it. The ride was in gorgeous weather and was slated for 46 miles. I did my food management according to that, so, you see, when I got lost for what was, I guess, 11 miles, I was a bit worn out, hungry, and grouchy. But I made it back in one piece, albeit ravenous. The poor salad I ate not too much later - it never had a chance to escape.


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August 02, 2004

Subway Should Sue

More headline fun. Ravenwood has the story, but I've got the headline.

Woman Arrested for Eating in Subway. I guess Jared's gone all take-out now. Wants to avoid being fingerprinted.


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July 22, 2004

Cross Dressing

Why is it that women are never called cross dressers? I mean, a man puts on a pair of high-heeled shoes, and, whammo, he's a cross dresser. I grab Brian's dress shoes for a day of mall strolling, or, you know, perhaps wear his jeans, no big.

While I realize none of these things is a full-blown Victor/Victoria scenario, I was still wondering.


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July 20, 2004

Dream Sequence

I had one of those days where I feel invisible to everyone (my lunch plans forgot me, etc.) Maybe it's because yesterday I was somehow banished to Sarah K's dreamworld.
i was at my house, but it faced south instead of west, and the Noggles lived across the street, but we'd never met except online, because they were like the cool, popular neighbors on the block, and i was seen as the bookish freak who spent all my time on the computer when i wasn't fighting with my lawnmower (ok, i added that part). it was 6 a.m. or something like that, and Heather was about to pull out of her driveway. i waved through my screen door, and she walked across the street to my house. i had a friend over, a new potential blogchild (have no idea who she was or what she looked like, just a smudge-blogger, a bludger if you will), and the blogchild started jumping up and down while i was trying to be so cool. "hey, SarahK, hey, SarahK," bounce bounce "isn't that Heather of angelweave? holy cow, she's like, coming over here! oh! what do we do?" thud. i drop-kicked her and told her to shut up.
Sarah, can I come out now? I have a lot of work to do.

(Brian practices that bug-eyed stare, y'know.)


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July 16, 2004

Excuse for an Entry

I suppose "this page intentionally left blank" wouldn't cut it for an entry...


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July 09, 2004

More Headline Fun

Something must be warped in my brain today.

China Culls 20,000 Chickens to Contain Bird Flu.

I took it as "hmm, let's give bird flu to THESE 20,000 chickens and let the other 40,000 go unscathed."


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Headline Fun

Parent's close watch may prevent STDs

But if both parents are watching, the rate actually goes up.

Apostrophes are my friends.


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July 07, 2004

My Life, the Library Edition

The Thornhill branch of the St. Louis County library system has this program where new bestsellers (or projected bestsellers) are purchased in multiplicate and available for seven-day loan with no renewal.

A week ago, I saw My Life - probably 6 copies of it. Today when I stopped, there weren't any. Bet those who checked it out can't finish it in a week. But, then again, maybe the font is like the penmanship paper. See Bill govern.


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June 30, 2004

Expect More Rat Bastards

Rat drug may boost sex drive in women, study finds.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- A drug that seems to drive female rats mad for sex may offer the first real scientific aphrodisiac for women, U.S. and Canadian researchers have said.

James Pfaus of Concordia University in Montreal, Canada, and colleagues there and at Palatin tested the drug on female rats and found it affected their mating behavior.

The drug, Palatin Technologies Inc's PT-141, is being developed for use to fight impotence in men, but the researchers said tests showed it also aroused female rats.

"Accordingly, PT-141 may be the first identified pharmacological agent with the capability to treat female sexual desire disorders," they wrote in their report, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The female rats flirted more when injected with the drug and Pfaus and his colleagues said: "Females treated with the highest dose of PT-141 also attempted to mount the males." In rats, this is considered a sign of sexual impatience.
The female rats flirted more. Did you get that? I mean, did you really picture Minnie in a teddy with some fake eyelashes and some serious blink action? Embrace it. Flirty rat chickees.

Rats swinging their hips, meowing, lowering their voices and filling them with husk. Whole new meaning to the word "ratify."


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June 16, 2004

Word Wiggle

Word Wiggle is online Boggle. I'm having a pretty good time with it - nice thing to do for lunch. There're tournaments and stuff, and I have a LOT of three and four-letter words to learn. I figure this will make me better at Scrabble, and Brian will stop taunting me when he's winning (because he'll be winning less, you see).


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June 14, 2004

No Brainer

According to this test, I am 78% left brained. I'm somehow 62% right-brained. That must explain, that number totalled, why I'm so smart. Or something.

Brain Lateralization Test Results
Right Brain (62%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (78%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain
Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by

Link found on Mike Courtney's blog.


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June 11, 2004

Dude, Where's My Car

Sure to be overheard in Lisbon at the Euro 2004 soccer meet. A lot.
London, England, Jun. 11 (UPI) -- Officials at Lisbon's Euro 2004 soccer meet are going to allow pot-smoking in the stands in hopes it will make fans too high to fight.

The 10,000-strong police force assigned to the month-long tournament that begins this weekend will take a "relaxed" view of cannabis, expected in abundance along with England's biggest ever invasion of fans.
Do I need to comment any more? Don't think so. Well, okay. And the Beastie Boys (now old) thought you had to fight for your right to party. Guess not.


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June 08, 2004


D'ya like Penguin books? If you're male, you might thoughtfuly consider your answer. Bookish, isn't she?

Courtesy of Steve at AdRants.


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May 20, 2004


I am the #1 Google hit for sultry babe. It links to my About Me! page, wherein I do not use either word.

Check the source code if you doubt me. It's not hidden in the meta tags or anything.

(No wonder I get all that porn comment spam. Grrrrrrr.)


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Cicada Infestation

Cicada frenzy is upon us. Time has an article. Yahoo from Reuters talks about Brood X.

But that's not the whole story.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The first cicada of the season sat on the doorstep like a mutant bumblebee, with red eyes and yellow legs.

But, apparently alarmed by the appearance of a human, it tumbled off the shallow step, landing helplessly on its back. Its yellow legs wiggled frantically to no effect.

How could anything so stupid and clumsy survive, and prosper in such huge numbers? Billions, probably trillions, of cicadas are emerging this month across the eastern United States in a monster swarm known as Brood X or brood 10.
They're ZERG! That's the unspoken conspiracy. Ask Steven den Beste. He knows. That Newsweek certainly has the story buried somewhere therein.

Of course, I'm glossing over Mr. Wong's article (that's what's quoted on USS Clueless) to make my own silly point. But it's well worth the 5 minutes it takes to read.


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May 12, 2004

Headline of the Day

Smoking During Pregnancy Leads to Testicular Cancer

Really? And exactly how does that sex change occur?

Vague headlines. I love 'em.


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"The chicken doesn't do mainstream." - attributed to Burger King spokesman Blake Lewis.

This is an article about the Subservient Chicken website. It didn't do anything for me - probably because the chicken moved too slowly and bored me. Not sure.

But he doesn't do mainstream. So don't expect skinless chicken breasts with just a bit of salt. No, sir. Demand chicken kiev or something.


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April 29, 2004

T-Shirt Babe Entry

Remember this post? If not, I'll quote so you don't have to go to it.
I want to be the t-shirt model for this. Someone recommend me? I can't just go in there in the comments and recommend myself, you see, because that would be far too blatant and I'd have no credability.

Well, I got my wish with the peace gallery. Good enough. But, of course, Frank's contest is live and kickin' now - quite a few entrants. I'm #10.

Here's my entry.

To those who do not know me but seek to rob Americans of our lifestyles, I say thus:

Hand me a t-shirt.

I fear no terrorist. There is little I can personally do to stop another human being from sacrificing himself or herself , his children or her children or his or her way of life to cease mine. Each day I waited to write this, more acts of terrorism (and denouncement of it) wrote themselves in the history books. A week ago - Saudi Arabia and a car bomb - many dead.. The Palestinian conflict with Israel, never-ending. Europe ignores bin Laden’s truce offer. This week?

Nothing on American soil. My security in that pronouncement stems from this administration’s willingness to stand in the face of those who seek to kill or maim us. The wounded don’t forget. The families of those who never knew to fight back don’t “move on.” And we, we who know the path to fight terrorism doesn’t include a side road named Bargaining, we live our lives.

Everyone knows someone who knows someone touched personally by September 11, 2001. Let there never be another.


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April 22, 2004

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! (Help, help, help)

It's pretty rare that I get that excited in the headline, but you'll soon hear why. Brian has an interview up, a recording from All Things Belittled.

It'll make you drop your mahi mahi for sure.

You can't miss this one.


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April 21, 2004

Poetry Kills

Oh to be a tortured soul with pen and word! Dangerous to your health!
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Poets die young -- younger than novelists, playwrights and other writers, a U.S. researcher said on Wednesday.

It could be because poets are tortured and prone to self-destruction, or it could be that poets become famous young, so their early deaths are noticed, said James Kaufman of the Learning Research Institute at California State University at San Bernardino.
It's all that danger and intrigue. The tightropes. The skydiving.

Brian killed my poetry - got too happy to write. Thank you, honey, for saving my life.


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April 20, 2004

Heather Noggle Is Really a Man, er Cat, er Woman

Via Spoons, I learn about the Ambercrombie chick. Never heard of her, but she's evidently a hottie. Or someone is (that's the controversy).

We here at Angelweave certify that all pictures shown on this site are either Heather, Brian, or one of our exalted cats. It should be obvious who is who. Maybe. I suppose I could be clearer with the labelling.

Meow, er, goodnight.


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April 15, 2004

Bang Your Head

Classical music can be dangerous while driving.

So, grab your cellphone, your Big Mac, and your soda, and turn down that radio. Or pick up your Norah.
LONDON, England (AP) -- When Richard Wagner composed his powerful "Ride of the Valkyries" in the 1850s, he surely wasn't thinking of any danger he was posing to 21st-century motorists.

Britain's RAC Foundation for Motoring on Wednesday named the strident classical piece the No. 1 tune not to play while driving, based on research it says shows loud music can cause accidents.

The "Dies Irae" from Giuseppe Verdi's "Requiem" was also considered a no-no.

The top five list of tunes to avoid while behind the wheel was rounded out by three modern songs -- "Firestarter" by the Prodigy, "Red Alert" by Basement Jaxx and "Insomnia" by Faithless.

To help music-loving motorists, the foundation also provided a top five list of songs that may safely be played while driving, "albeit quietly."

Norah Jones' smash hit "Come Away with Me" was deemed calm enough, as was "Mad World" by Gary Jules. Other songs on the safe list were "Another Day" by R&B singer Lemar, "Too Lost in You" by girl group The Sugababes and "Breathe Easy" by boy band Blue.
Wow, these same people could make a list of music to work out to just by expanding "what not to drive to."

I used to do transcription for insurance claims as a college job. Car accident statements often contained questions like, "Were you smoking, eating, or drinking at the time of the accident?" "Were both hands on the wheel?" This was before the prevalence of cell phones. Now, expect "What song was playing on your stereo at the time of the accident? Were you talking about that song with Aunt Sadie at the time?"

I guess. Watch The next article will be: "Road Rage: It's not your fault. Blame Wagner."


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April 10, 2004


Chores are mind numbing, so I amuse myself in little silly ways. One is to personify my cats. So, if my cats were athletes, here's how it would pan out.

Ajax - lean and lithe. Likes to jump. Triple jump?
Galt - kinda portly. Shotput.
Tristan - burly - biggest cat. Boxer.
Aurora - small - Gymnast.
Dominique - Lean and mean - Swimmer.

Aren't you so glad I shared that with you? hln

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April 01, 2004

Geek April Fool's Day

Well, we put the Christmas tree up today at the office. But the folks at had a bit more fun, as Ryan pointed out.


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March 30, 2004

Precioussssss Funk

Sometimes I wonder what I'm married to. George Clinton's got indigestion, I'll bet. I feel a little ill myself.


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March 29, 2004

MSN - uh, doh

MSN currently has a headline, "What caused Whitney's drug problem?"

I dunno - what do you think? Perhaps drug usage? Probably started there. You don't hear of too many pregnant abstainers (Mary aside), alcoholic non-drinkers, or tobacco-addicted non-smokers.

Oh, and then there's that "choice" thing about level of usage. Don't play in the fire without fire-resistant clothing and knowledge of fire's potential. Dang that personal responsibility.


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March 26, 2004

Legislate THIS!

In Santa Fe, you'd best buckle up or otherwise restrain your animals from roaming free in your automobile. It's the law (almost).
The city of Santa Fe may soon require pet owners to restrain their dogs, cats and ferrets in special pet seats or with seat belts while traveling in a moving vehicle.

The ordinance, endorsed by the city's public safety committee, would also require that "animals in open beds of trucks and cars be tethered or restrained enough so the animal can't fly out the window," said Kate Rindy, executive director of the Santa Fe Animal Shelter, who helped develop the proposed law.
I just love silly laws. Please, add a clause to that so that only driving animals need the seat belts.


Posted by hln at 07:09 AM | Comments (1)

March 17, 2004

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Leave me a comment; I'm Irish.


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March 16, 2004

The Best Catalogs in the World

I got a piece of junk mail yesterday that amused me so much that I must share. It's entitled The Best Catalogs of the Year, and it's obviously aimed for those who do not use the web. The premise, presumably, is that you'll pay these people who put out this meta catalog to send you catalogs featured in the listing.

I thought I'd save you the trouble by providing a sampling.
Just think - your mail could be this exciting.


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March 15, 2004

Your Funny Mental Picture for the Day

So, I'm back. Went to the gym tonight, of course.

Was wearing Skechers - brown lace-up pair. Yep - I lifted wearing gym shorts, a t-shirt, and the shoes I wore to work.

Brain is still in Florida, obviously.


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March 09, 2004

Don't Wear Earrings On a Crime Spree In Great Britain

Why? Because they can getcha with ear prints now. Forgive me for this one - it'll have to go in the Bonfire (if I can remember to send it). But this is just obnoxious. If this originated from the US, I'd have to say "your tax dollars hard at work," but for now I'll refrain. Or something.
Criminals often wear gloves but are less likely to cover their ears and before would-be burglars touch a doorknob or try to pry open a window they might press their ear against the glass to hear if anyone is home.

Ear prints had been used to identify individuals and criminals long before fingerprints became popular in the early twentieth century. They came back into use in the 1990s but unlike fingerprints they were never organized in a computerized system.
Cellophane...earprints foiled? (Okay, that was a stretch).


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March 01, 2004

Animal Morality

Does Ajax not understand that this is plain WRONG?


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February 23, 2004

John TB Kerry

Okay, this is petty, so don't say I didn't warn you. But it is funny. Robert Prather:
As noted elsewhere, Kerry bears a striking resemblance to Treebeard in both his manner and his looks. In fact, I'll likely be calling Kerry "Treebeard" for the remainder of the year.
Robert then proposes a Fark-like photoshop contest, so have at Mr. Heinz.

Back a little over a month ago, Brian made a new curse word in honor of Kerry's f-word proclamation. So if you're in the mood for some more presidential wanna-be humor, check this out, too.
And so in honor of John F. Kerry, indistinguished (some political office holder or another) of (some tiny, self-important coastal state), I introduce johnk, a single syllable which can capture every sort of meaning the f-word can, and with less shock among women and children and definitely more mockery of the Democrat party.

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February 19, 2004

Test, a Test!

Ted at Rocket Jones points to this test. So I took it.

Results below - all in all, pretty accurate. I'm less friendly than Ted.

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Gregariousness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||| 38%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust ||||||||| 30%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation |||||||||||| 34%
Modesty ||||||||| 30%
Sympathy ||||||||||||||| 50%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||| 48%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Self-Discipline ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Anxiety |||||||||||| 38%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 42%
Depression |||||| 18%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||| 42%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Vulnerability |||||||||||| 34%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Emotionality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism |||||| 14%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

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February 18, 2004


I just got done flapping my ostrich wings for amusement (Joust - Shockwave emulation. Check it out - quite fun). Didn't score so well, so I stopped putting off blogging, and here I am.

And the first amusing story I find is about a coin-operated dude.
BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- French doctors were taken aback when they discovered the reason for a patient's sore, swollen belly: He had swallowed around 350 coins -- $650 worth -- along with assorted necklaces and needles.

The 62-year-old man came to the emergency room of Cholet General Hospital in western France in 2002. He had a history of major psychiatric illness, was suffering from stomach pain, and could not eat or move his bowels.
Sing along with's a quarter, call someone who cares. (Or swallow it, I guess. A quarter swallowed's not a quarter spent? Neither a borrower nor lender be?)


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February 10, 2004


Beal. It rhymes with wheel, meal, steal, steel, feel, eel, teal, seal, deal, keel, Neal, peel, peal, veal, and spiel.

And I've got it, too. Susie has named my disease, you see. You know, that condition wherein one really DOES have the time (at least I DID) to churn out a few blog entries a day, but, see, she doesn't. At best, you may have one, and if it's like last night, well, as you see, just a mere sentence pointing to someone else's work. Someone who is unbealed.

Sigh. Back to work.


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February 03, 2004


I think Brian has done the writing for both of us this evening. He recounts his 16 years of making fun of Lyndon LaRouche, and it's a very worthy read.

Leave your comments for him make him wish he had comments.


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February 02, 2004

A Citizen Has Escaped From Rhythm Nation

Missed the Super Bowl. Got the score afterward and the "important info" of course. What an Escapade! And she did that All For You, you know. Nasty!


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January 31, 2004

State Travel

I've heard about this, but the first place I saw it was over at Mike Courtney's. Here's my state list.

create your own visited states map or write about it on the open travel guide

As you can see, I'm not much for the coasts. My most recent new states were New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Before that, California. Arizona/New Mexico was a band bus trip in high school. Brian and I flew into New Jersey briefly on our honeymoon (to change planes).


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January 30, 2004

Health Advice

Advice from a commentor:

"some of the posts here are ignorant. a person won't get osteoporosis or rickets. it's been found that women who drink milk get osteoporosis much more than vegan women. beer is more nutritious than milk, though i won't recommend that for kids.
the milk in the vending machines could be replaced with juices. i think it's best if the soda is also removed.

cows won't explode if not milked. the only reason they're in danger from not being milked is because they're given hormones that make them produce more milk than they naturally would, and because their calves are taken away to be made into veal. stop the hormones and let them have their calves and everything would be OK."

Refers to this old post. Commenter: PETA thanks you.


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January 29, 2004

80s, Baby

I eat cannibal
Feed on animal
Your love is so edible to me
I eat cannibals

I eat cannibal
It's incredible
You bring out the animal in me
I eat cannibals

What can you do
You're in a stew
Hot hot cook it up
I'm never gonna stop
Fancy a bite
My appetite
Yum yum gee it's fun
Banging on a different drum

This obnoxious 80's moment brought to you by Toto Coelo and angelweave.


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January 27, 2004

"Just The Way You Are"

"Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore."

Billy Joel wisdom, yes, indeed.

Not in the year 2004, evidently.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Love is not blind -- at least when it comes to facial plastic surgery.

Of people who are dating or married, 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one feature on their partner's face, according to an American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery survey released on Monday.

It found that men were most likely to take suggestions about plastic surgery as an insult.
Hmm...can't think of anything I'd change on Brian. He looks better without his hat, but that's a prop. For me, I'll stick to the newfound Olay regimen. Had enough plastic surgery, seems.

The Alexandria, Virginia, academy sponsored the telephone survey Dec. 2-5 of 1,000 adults across the United States, including 738 who were dating or married. It had a margin of error of plus or minus 3.2 percent.

Respondents said they would change their lover's hair (24 percent women, 17 percent men), wrinkles (9 percent women, 11 percent men), nose (11 percent women, 9 percent men), mouth (6 percent each), eyes (5 percent each) or ears (4 percent each).
Wonder what Virginia Postrel would have to say about that little twist in our aesthetic society - I've heard her info on when people undertake such pains for their own behest. Wonder how the spousal plastic surgery wishes (and executions) stack up to the divorce rate.


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January 22, 2004

I am Pac-Man!

This quiz fits me pretty well.

What Video Game Character Are You? I am Pacman.I am Pacman.

I am an aggressive sort of personality, out to get what I can, when I can. I prefer to avoid confrontation, but sometimes when it's called for, I can be a powerful character. I tend to be afflicted with munchies constantly. What Video Game Character Are You?

Thanks to LeeAnn.

Posted by hln at 11:55 AM | Comments (2)

January 20, 2004

Homonym Game

If it sounds the same, it's the homonym game.

This was my mother's thing when I was younger - homonyms, homophones. Probably why I can spell pretty well. There's there, their, and they're. And then cite, site, sight, etc.

Today's homonym had me snickering, though. It's a good one in light of the mad cow frenzy aflight within the nation.

Awful offal anyone?


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January 18, 2004


Brian has pointed out that I have forgotten my name.

It's lack of blogging, people. Too much work. What can I say? I miss it. I hope to return to a regular schedule soon.

Though Louise Noggle isn't nearly as nice as Heather Louise Noggle. I think of Louise Jefferson. I'll try to return to hln posthaste.


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January 14, 2004


Tuesday night. Brian and I are working back in the gym, which is completely overcrowded due to the fact it was January 13, 2004, and those resolutioners are still hard at it.

I'm a people watcher. I admit it. So when this chickadee strutted, er, walked by in her navel-baring black pantaloons that just happened to say "Juicy" in large white letters across the rump portion, I gave up the gawk.


Actually, I thought she was a bit on the skinny side. Can skinny be juicy? Is that possible? Is this advertising? Public relations? Non-subliminal messaging? Whom is she attempting to convince? Perhaps a reminder - affirmation when she clothes herself? I feel juicy, therefore I am?

So I make the obligatory snarky comment to the spouse, "Honey, I promise not to wear words across my ass." And I point. We all know pointing is rude.

In the locker room, Juicy's got said marked part parked in front of my locker. Yes, really, she does. Thanks, babe. I didn't really want to read your rear, but it was right there. Two syllables in front of my Master Lock. It brought to mind that old catchphrase for SizzleLean - "Move over bacon; now there's something meatier."

The real reason for a non-wordy ass? I'm afraid "Succulent" just might fit across mine. Or perhaps a whole sentence. Or, Hans might suggest a haiku.


Posted by hln at 10:59 PM | Comments (16)

January 13, 2004

Brian and Style

My spouse has foreseen the fashion trends, according to MSN. (Well, MSN didn't state it quite that explicitly).

    Fedoras Last year it was the newsboy cap, this year it's the fedora. Not everyone can pull it off, but a men's-style fedora, especially paired with a sleek low ponytail, can be chic, polished, and warm all at the same time. Try one in a preppy tweed, like Kangol's Newmarket Trilby ($54).
Please, baby, no ponytail.

Might I direct you to the most accessible Brian-in-fedora pics? See, when he puts on the hat, you can't tell he has hair. When we met, Brian had these very thick glasses that distorted his eyes a bit (he usually wore contacts). Those are not shown in these pics, but if he put them on with the fedora, he looked like Toht, the medallion-handed villain in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Hence, he brought this to the world. I just thought I'd share.

Ladies and gentlemen, Toht or Not!. Don't forget to rate him!


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January 09, 2004

<themeMusic>Tales ......... Of The Bizarre</themeMusic>

Ryan sent me this today. He sits across from me at work, and he sent this via IM. Some of you might find that odd to be instant messaging the person across from you, but, really, it's not.

Okay. I'll have to pedal faster. I finished reading the Lion Attacks Bicyclist article, and I looked to the right on the web page. And that's when I saw THIS.

    SAN DIEGO -- Two women have been jailed in San Diego in an alleged poisoning plot.

    Authorities say the pair planned to use the poison ricin to kill the husband of one of the women to get insurance money. The husband is a Marine at Camp Pendleton.

    Authorities say the two women -- both 21 -- are lovers. They allegedly used a recipe they got on the Internet to cook up a small amount of the poison out of castor beans. Authorities don't suspect any terrorism ties.

    California state troopers say they found the ricin in a car the two women were riding in east of San Diego. They say the poison was in a bag.

From this point, it almost sounds like a murder novel. And then it takes a turn for the weird.

    The troopers say they also found a pistol, a handwritten ricin recipe and some castor beans. They say the women were wearing shoplifted clothing -- with the sales tags still attached.
Boy, these two are some smart chickees, no? But this is what takes the cake.

    Authorities say the two had also tried in the past to kill the husband.
Okay, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. He's still "the husband" after one or more murder attempts?



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January 06, 2004

My Modeling Career

Hey, boys and girls! I'm gonna try out!

Or not.

Silliness aside, I think it's a great idea. Get more people to the gym. Now, if we can just get some of the silly macho-but-not-really-in-shape men to stop grunting and lifting with obscene amounts of momentum instead of muscle, perhaps they'll stay.

hln hln

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Good Thing I'm Not a Domestic Engineer, Too

Snarky spouse Brian J. gives you a peek into his work life with his post Thank Goodness Software "Engineers" Aren't Civil Engineers.

The permalink is broken, but it's a top post. Brian forgot to sell a piece of his soul to Blogger AGAIN this month.

About the Domestic Engineer thing - I can't fold t-shirts. Enough said.


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Come Dancing?

Okay, that's not funny if you've just been shot in the leg.

Please don't tell me that the lady's name is Lola.

God save the Village Green.

(Get better Ray).


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December 29, 2003

Blackfive and Good Drinking, Good Food, and Coleman Grills

I had the recent pleasure of interviewing the blogosphere's own Paratrooper of Love this last Friday. This will be a bit out of order and, well, disjointed, but it's more fun that way. The later the entry, the more alcohol was consumed, and so on, and so forth.

It began as naming good drinking cities. It went elsewhere but stayed mostly on topic; we tried to hit all 50 states.

  • Boston - "#3, home of Sam Adams."

  • Chicago - #1 - great! [interviewer thinks he's biased]

  • Milwaukee - [Has a #2 by it but my notes say that Brian says "no." I don't remember Matt giving it a'd that get there?]

  • Philly - "#11 - "Claim to fame - beef with fried cheese - I love it." [Interviewer cringes again]

  • Cleveland, St. Louis, Denver - [All get "ok" ratings.]

  • Boulder, CO - "Big party town if you have a big trust fund."

  • Ames, IA - "Not so horribly bad."

  • Ann Arbor's "Great."

  • Lansing - "Cheap."

  • Arizona - "Nothing there." I don't think we ever even got to towns.

  • Annapolis - "Top 20." [He has an ex-girlfriend there - Sherry (I gave her the nickname of "Cooking") who sings in a bar.]

  • DC - "No, but Georgetown" [censored]

  • Virginia - Richmond - "Too many Marines"

  • Texas - [he transitions to food yet again] - "good BBQ"

  • Austin, San Antonio - "Okay."

  • Dallas - "Overrated. Cowboys suck. It'd be good for the sport if Troy Aikman" [censored]

  • Tulsa - "Not such a bad drinking town." [Brian noted that "it's a slut backwards."]

  • Tahoe - "Pretty good place." [censored] "But the lake is beautiful."

  • Las Vegas - "Never been."

  • Nona Rosa, San Francisco - "Great. Ask for Chris if you go there."

  • Malibu, LA "Okay" [Interviewee ranks beer above random women in this conversation. He likes grills, though. Something was mentioned about Armorall and Salma Hayek. Matt said, "You can Armorall her, too." [I don't believe this was a euphemism; it would have to be censored then, and I don't have a notation.]

  • Portland, OR - "#25. As weird as San Francisco, but not as expensive, not as big."

  • Seattle's "Okay - good place." [Matt then went into tour-guide mode, mentioning Pioneer Square, Gasworks Park, Fremont Republic. He mentioned "diverse" and used the words business suit and Rastafarian.]

  • Vancouver - "Great drinking town." [More tour guide stuff - buildings, cobblestone streets.]

  • Missoula - "Kinda okay. Bottom 100. But if you're in Montana and you have to go somewhere, it's a good place to go. Helena, no."

  • Wyoming? "No." [Somehow we digressed to a skiing tangent. I have no context.]

  • Utah - "Mormons." [He'll pass. Maybe ski there someday.]

  • South Dakota - Badlands "Okay."

  • North Dakota - "All they can do is drink."

  • Omaha - "Buddy was a Guinness distributor. Pull off the highway. $2 filet mignon. I'll take 6." [More toury stuff - historic downtown, 1850, 1860, saloons.] "Nothing else to do. Eat steak and drink beer."

  • Kansas - "No."

  • Indiana - "No. Mr. Green's from Indiana. Yeah, Indiana, no."

  • Alaska - "Hmm."

  • Mobile's - "Not too bad."

  • Mississippi - "No."

  • Georgia - "Hard drinking in Georgia."

  • New Orleans. [censored] "Anywhere you go and they ask you if it's for here or to go - that's a good place."

  • Charleston - "Great drinking town. If I can clean out all the scotch in one bar, that's not a good thing."

  • North Carolina - "Okay if you like tattoo parlors and strip joints." [disclaimer: Matt wishes that the 82d Airborne not take offense.]

  • Tennessee - "Every town in Tennessee is a good drinking town."

  • Louisville - "Good town. A lot of colleges nearby. Cool pubs and breweries downtown. Good place to raise a family. [Matt contrasts with North Carolina and then censors himself.]

  • South Carolina - "SC pride - bumper stickers. You buy them in bars. Women in South Carolina wear stuff with Carolina on it, and they don't mean North Carolina. Charleston - more pubs than any other town in the south." [See previous section about scotch.]

  • Alabama - "I don't want to piss anybody off in Alabama, so we'll just skip Alabama."

  • Minneapolis - "Good. Nothing else to do except freeze your ass off. They drink a lot of vodka. Good Indian restaurants. Closing time is midnight. This is a problem unless you start drinking at 3 or 4."

  • Newport, Rhode Island - "Take a ferry out to Block Island. 45 minute ride. Great place. Lots of bars."

  • Connecticut - "Ex girlfriend there." [She drove him to a lot of drinking.] "Bethel is a good place. Good ice cream. Meg Ryan's from there. This is bad; she left Dennis Quaid."

  • Buffalo - "Buffalo Wings - Tin Lizzie's. Quite a few others. What the hell else are you gonna do?"

  • New York, New York - "Too expensive."

  • Portland, Maine - "#99. Not a bad place."

  • Santa Fe, Albuquerque - "Fun place." [Heather challenged to accurately spell Albuquerque correctly. Bluffs. Takes a drink of water instead of wine.] "Good restaurants and all of the restaurants have good bars. Really, really nice. Could raise a family there, but your kids couldn't spell Albuquerque." [Further, this spelling of Albuquerque is much simpler while sober.]

  • Boise - "Great frickin' town. Skiing, weather, mountains, beer - underrated. Raise a family there. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore."

  • New Jersey - Jersey Shore - "Right before Desert Storm, couldn't buy a drink there - always covered with a blessing."

  • San Juan, Puerto Rico - "Lots of Tequila. Brings out the evil twin."

  • [Interviewer cannot read her last bit of notes about the University of Illinois area - something about grills, not girls, drinking, no skiing, and the food sucks - Olive Garden being the best you can get there.]
And there you have it.


Posted by hln at 07:56 AM | Comments (10)

December 24, 2003


Thanks to Susie, I'm a cookie.

You are a jam thumbprint.
What Kind of Cookie Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla


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December 23, 2003

So Restless Indeed

It's 10:23 p.m. I'm just now blogging, and I have given myself 7 minutes to complete this post. 5 a.m. comes early.

Do you recognize the lyric? Are you one of those people who can't sit still - who can't relax until exhausted? I am. It explains the cycling, the weight lifting, the volleyball. I think with inactive people they call this ADHD. And give them drugs. Actually, it's probably just the Type A personality. Or programmer's leg.

You've seen it, haven't you? The leg that bounces up and down. It's usually my right leg moving in some silly way. Often, it's the left tucked under the right and the right leg swinging. Motion. Gah! Must have motion.

Brian named it, and it's a habit I've seen with many in my profession. I don't think I've noticed it with the guys I work with, but I've seen it. Really, I have. We sit for such long periods of time. So often, I just can't deal. I have to get up and get more water. Shake the leg while standing. Just do SOMETHING. And when I'm in a hurry, oh, look out. Frenetic motion, pushing others aside; parting the slow flesh-colored seas. I'm on a MISSION, people; doncha see? The grocery store can stress me out. I have to suppress the "Rarr!" emotion and subsequent actions.

Why do people move slowly anyway (I'd best wrap up - 2 mins left)? I just don't get it. I mean, if you've already pulsed yourself into an exhausted heap and are melting in your own sweat, okay. But this languid sloth that overcomes most, uh, probably normal folk, I just don't get it. That being said, I'm going to go shake a leg in my sleep. Or something. And please tell me you can hear Simon LeBon, right?

"She's moody and grey, she's mean and she's restless..."

With editing, it's 10:33.

Good night. Rarr!


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December 20, 2003

Cars for Women!

Michele at A Small Victory has a post about Volvo (you know - They're Boxy but They're Good) designing a car with women in mind. She says:
    So Volvo got a bunch of their female workers together and had them design a car with women in mind. This prototype will include such innovations as a valley down the center of the headrest for ponytail wearers, and an hood that can only be opened by a mechanic (who is contacted by some wireless thigamajig) because women just hate to be bothered with mechanical maintanence of a car.

Yeah. Strange, no? Cars are pretty unisex. The actual article says this:
    Volvo hopes the prototype will send a message to female buyers, who have long felt neglected by male designers and disrespected by dealerships.

    Beyond that, Volvo wants to shake up the male-dominated culture inside the company, something found at virtually all automakers. Ultimately, Volvo says, the project might help attract women employees as well as women buyers.
We should make cars for Asians! For people of Hispanic descent! Maybe not. Want to make a car appealing to women? Make it curvy and eye-catching. Oh, wait, that's just making the car appealing to me. How would I know what women want?

Just a bit more...

Model name? The Volva. Groan in unison, please.


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December 15, 2003

Well, Doh!

Yeah, I rigged it, but oh well.

chef jpeg
You are the the Swedish Chef. You are a talented individual, nobody understands you. Perhaps it's because you talk funny.

FAVORITE EXPRESSION: "Brk! Brk! Brk!" (it's BORK you sillies!)

Kokin' der yummee-yummers

"Wild Strawberries...and Creme"

"Der Swedish Chef Kokin' Bokin'"

"Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der brk-brk

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Found all over Munuviana! Ambient Irony and Jennifer's History and Stuff.


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Philosophical Moments

Wow, I seem to have a pretty serious Aristotelian bent, according to this test, found via The Evangelical Outpost.

My top matches:

1. Aristotle (100%)
2. Aquinas (89%)
3. David Hume (86%)
4. Ayn Rand (79%)
5. St. Augustine (75%)
6. Plato (71%)

I'm not sure Aristotle, Sir Thomas, and Mr. Skeptic Hume would get along very well if kept in a warm room for 6 hours without a door and/or windows. So how's that work in my head?That's my first thought. Do I contradict myself? I don't think I do. No, wait, I do. Naa.

I am pleased to note that Utilitarianism never made an appearance. It's hiding under the dust ruffle in my guest bedroom.


Posted by hln at 06:54 PM | Comments (4)

The Funniest Thing I've Seen All Day

And, yes, I'm going to make you click the link to get to it. Worth it. I nearly choked on lunch.

No wonder I'm fearful of men with beards.


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December 13, 2003


Yes, really. Type that into MSN, and you get me. Of course, you also get Slashdot (uh, of course), Log Cabin Crafts, and then three CHOICE porn sites. Don't worry - just screenshot pics of the first pages, so you can click the link, but I'd suggest you not do this at work.

To searching person, sorry. Nothing about me bespeaks bunny or busty. I can tell you how to avoid manboobs, though. Drink up.


Posted by hln at 03:00 PM | Comments (4)

December 11, 2003

The Twelve o'Clock Flasher

Get your minds out of the gutter!

I hadn't seen this yet, so when I opened the e-mail from my friend Tim, I had a good humor day starter. And if you haven't seen it yet (likely you have), it's worth five minutes of your time.

I present to you "Internet Help Desk." I have so been that guy.


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November 28, 2003


As a directed public service announcement, I must proclaim the secrets of pant maintenance to enlighten Allah.

1) If you are tearing your trousers, remember, a stitch in time saves nine. Trite, but true.

2) Allow me to acquaint you with the grand appliance known as the washing machine.

3) Goodwill. Cheap slacks.

4) Lee Pleated Stain Resistant Performance Khakis. Need I say more?

Happy pant maintenance. Cheers.


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November 27, 2003

"Two Legs of Lamb and a Small Turkey"

Hey - anybody else who saw Instapundit's turkey pic trying to figure out what breed of dog that thing is? Brian's sure it's Snoopy.

Traditional. Uh huh.


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November 26, 2003

Trey Givens: Capitalist

Trey Givens is in Peru.

But now we know why he went. He's going to bring back a bunch of this stuff and sell it for its street value.



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And You Thought Viking Kittens Was Funny

Yes, another silly picture. This one courtesy of Harvey of Bad Money. Very worth a look. There's something about cats standing upright that just cracks me up.

Happy Thanksgiving.


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Be Careful What You Laugh Out Loud At

Jed from Boots and Sabers brings you a picture of triumph over anorexia.

What a day I'm going to have - giddy already.


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November 19, 2003

Oh Baby!

Found this site via Ilyka who found it on LeeAnn's site. Oops, guess that means I haven't visited LeeAnn yet remedy that.

Bad, obnoxious baby names.

At any rate, the commentary on this bad dog is very, very, laugh-out-loud funny. So it's a can't miss.


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Found a quiz via Brian.

Your soul is bound to the Fourth Totem, Solomon:
The Owl
. Solomon appears as an azure feathered owl. He
embodies wisdom, judgement, reason, and
. He is associated with the color
azure, the season of autumn, and the element of
water. His downfall is farsightedness. You are most compatible with Ravens and Monkeys.

Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

He's a monkey. We're compatible.


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November 17, 2003

Famous! Famous, I Say

Ah, so appropriate for Bonfire day. I am the _only_ hit on Yahoo for "naked women on mitsubishi eclipse."

Poor guy was sorely disappointed that the pic just turned out to be the "individualists" posing for the sake of art.

Still clothed after all these years,


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Same Idea, But I'm Just Not As Funny

Scrappleface touches on the Chewable Contraceptive idea.

    (2003-11-17) -- The new chewable birth control pill approved by the FDA today will soon be marketed in the caricatured shapes of famous women like Kate Michelman, Senator Barbara Boxer and Hillary Clinton.

    "We got the idea from the Flintstones vitamins," said an unnamed spokesman for Warner Chilcott, Inc., of Rockaway, N.J., the company that will market the pills for manufacturer Bristol Myers Squibb.
Flintstones aplenty.


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November 15, 2003

Weekend Quiz

You are mRNA. You're brilliant, full of important,
interesting information and you're a great
friend to the people you care about. You may
have sides to you that no one understands. But
while you understand more than most people,
you're only half-there most of the time.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay...that's accurate? Half where?

Found at One Little Victory


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November 14, 2003

Wacky Headline

I read this thing four times and then had to glance at the first paragraph to figure out WHAT THE HELL IT MEANT!

Chocolate Firm Eyes Diet Tips Amid Obesity Debate

Chocolate - mmmm.
Firm Eyes? Oh, like, you mean get rid of crow's feet?
Diet Tips? I give those.
Amid Obesity Debate? Yeah...

    A leading British chocolate manufacturer said on Friday it may include diet tips on its product labels as sports stars and celebrities were criticized for promoting unhealthy food blamed for a sharp rise in child obesity.
OH! I see. No Botox. Even that first paragraph is a little clunky.

    Cadbury Schweppes, one of the world's biggest international beverage and confectionery companies, said it had not decided what wording would be used on the labels, aimed at its British market, but added it would not be a warning.

    "It is true we are looking at a number of options to provide better labeling for the consumer in terms of understanding what a balanced diet is," a spokeswoman for the company told Reuters.

    Cadbury announced the move as The Lancet medical journal called for a stop to stars endorsing unhealthy food and amid warnings from health experts that obesity among children is a time bomb waiting to explode.

    "Celebrity endorsement of junk food has to be banned," The Lancet said in an editorial, adding to a growing chorus of criticism in Europe and North America that foods and sweets with high fat or sugar content are causing a huge increase in obesity among children.
Obesity. Time bomb? I don't see it, sorry. It's that whole choice thing, y'know.


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The Name Game

I'm hopefully a master of my namesake; I'd bet Brian is, too.

"A lot like like Boggle, but with numbers instead. Use your number sense and math skill to get high scores. Challenge yourself."

I'll report back when I know for sure. Those number things are sure harder than letters/words.


Posted by hln at 08:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 13, 2003

Robbery: A Product of Choice?


    SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - The Brazilian (news - web sites) woman with the most body piercings in the world -- 1,903 -- fears returning to her crime-ridden home country as she would attract so much attention she could be robbed.

    The last time I went to Brazil, I had to wear a face mask because since I have a lot of jewelry (pierced to the skin), I fear being robbed or attacked," Elaine Davidson told Reuters from Edinburgh in Britain where she lives.

    Brazil has one of the highest crime rates in the world.

    Davidson, who has been outside her home country for 10 years, won an entry in this year's Guinness World Records book after starting to pierce herself four years ago. In Edinburgh she runs a Brazilian restaurant.

    She considers feeling pain a motivating factor in her life and says she also walks on beds of nails, fire and bits of glass.

    "I like pain, I love pain," she said, explaining that she now wants to surpass exceed 2,000 body piercings.
The extremely creepy lines?

    Her genitalia is the body part where she has the largest number of piercings -- 500 in all, externally and internally.

    "It hurts in the chest as well," she said. "I had to take some out because of the silicone, the doctor asked."
Okay - I have now effectively quoted you the entire article. Thankfully, I found it AFTER I finished consuming my lunch.

I have four piercings - one in my left ear, and three in my right (the one with no feeling). I can't wear earrings, though, because of an adult-onset metal allergy. This woman would have more fun with her "pain" addiction if she had my condition.

I'm think I'll put a sign on the external wall of my cubicle that says "Normal."


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Poor Typing and Pseudo Insightful Moments

Attach and Attack are only one letter different. Discuss.


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November 11, 2003

Ah, the Gender Genie

Everyone's run some prose through the Gender Genie by now, no?

I've probably put 15 pieces through it of varying lengths and only ONCE has it ever categorized me as female. Bad Gender Genie.

Virginia Postrel has the best quote ever about this quirky little piece of code. I thought I'd share.
    And I'm a heterosexual woman with raging hormones and an evolutionary-psychology-approved waist-hip ratio of 0.70. I'm not masculine; I just like definite articles. I'm not saying gender is socially constructed, but I wouldn't recommend that anyone look for dates based on Gender Genie scores. It's not just me and not just opinion journalists, D Magazine's restaurant critic, Nancy Nichols, reports scoring 100% male, while executive editor Tim Rogers says, "Turns out, I'm a chick."
Whap! She smacks down out the waist-hip ratio. She throws the definite article curveball! My hero.


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November 10, 2003

Blog Chicks Pix

James Joyner is linking to many of my body parts.

Elbow shot, anyone?


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November 09, 2003

Strange Lingerie

Steve Hall of adrants finds some strange things. Today's evidence is the "no smoking" bra.
    Triumph International, a Swiss-based underwear maker, has developed a bra which it claims helps women quit smoking with embedded perfume capsules that react with cigarette smoke making it unpleasant smelling. The capsules contain lavender which has a sedative property as well as jasmine which alters the taste of cigarettes. The bra is also treated with liquid titanium to break down cigarette smoke.
Make sure you click on the link. The picture's hilarious.


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Sunday Spam!

Yes, I received SPAM with my Hotmail account. Shocking, no?

I actually opened this one, and it makes good blog fodder. Sit on the porch step (preferably in a virtual warm climate), and read along with me.

I bring you the 911 Review.

Here's what I "learned":
  • Osama is a Patsy!
  • Charges brought down the Twin Towers!
  • There's an Ongoing Coverup!
  • Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel!
And, oh, so much more! You, too, can be enlightened.

Psst...and Harvey, check out this Bad Money.

Too bad I'm no longer a grad student. I had a really good time with a militia rhetoric pamphlet once. This'd make for a longer paper.


Posted by hln at 02:29 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 07, 2003

A Woofer's Debacle

Varg the police dog ignored his assignment. And he paid the price.

    OSLO, Norway - When Varg the police dog was sent into a candy factory to track down two intruders, his sense of taste got the better of his sense of duty. The German Shepherd nearly ate himself sick.

    Leif Berglund, of the police in the central Norway city of Trondheim, on Thursday said police were called to the Nidar candy factory after seven 13 -to 15-year-olds were found helping themselves to candy after they broke in.

    Five surrendered at once, but two ran away. So police sent Varg to follow their trail. What he found was the trail of candy they left behind, as well as more candy in the building.

    "He helped himself greedily," said Berglund. He said he was so full of candy "that we had to immediately transfer him to a more urgent assignment" on the lawn outside the building.
The article goes on for another couple of paragraphs, including a short sentence indicating that the dog will not face disciplinary action. I'll bet he's learned his lesson.

Poor dog. I'm blogging this because of the tongue-in-cheek "urgent assignment."

What a euphemism!


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November 06, 2003

By 50

I found this via Kelley of Suburban Blight. Thought I'd answer this list myself since I seem to be both boring lately and in a writing slump.

1. Say her age without hesitation.
All of the time. I'll show you my gray hairs, too.

2. Celebrate each birthday.
Well, of course!

3. Take better care of her body than she does her house.
Got this one down. My poor house suffers for it.

4. Do something that really scares her, just because it does.
Riding my bike on Olive when I'm just a couple of months past learning the clippy shoe thingees. Yep.

5. Stop waiting on her children.
My children meow.

6. If she`s still chauffeuring kids around, seize control of the radio.

7. Be able to name her senators and congressman.
Hmm - I think I'm missing one. Fortunately, I know the website of how to find them, so hopefully that counts for something.

8. Vote.
Almost always.

9. Know the difference between a stock and a mutual fund.
Not a problem. So many similarities, though - losing money...

10. Insist that doctors treat her with respect.
Got that one covered early. Lots of experience.

11. Stop smiling when she doesn`t feel like smiling.
Geez, I learned that at like 16.

12. Worship and obey her instincts.

13. Drive a car she really likes.
1999 Mitsubishi Eclispe - big dog spoiler. Bright red. Covered.

14. Do something charitable that nobody knows about.
I'm not sure that the NOBODY point is, wait, it is.

15. Stop comparing herself to fashion models.
What are those again? Fitness models - yeah, okay, I should quit that because I look like the before of a Mesotech commercial when I make that comparison.

16. Get angry when it`s appropriate and not apologize.

17. Distance herself from friends who take but don`t give.
Done. Wait, do I have friends?

18. Stay up late on occasion just to remember how it feels.
I probably have to schedule this one.

19. Decide that false modesty is tiresome.
Modest? Moi???

20. Ignore people who enjoy putting others down.

21. Forgive her parents for their shortcomings.
My parents have shortcomings?

22. Forgive herself for past mistakes.
Mistakes are just life shapers - regret nothing so long as you don't repeat the bad stuff...especially if you're happy where you are today.

23. Know exactly how much money her family has in savings.
Almost to the penny.

24. Make sure her name is attached to all major assets.

25. Quit deciding what she`ll do when she grows up.
Oh, ouch. That's a tough one. Can I retire when I grow up?

26. Floss regularly.
Have to. How else would I get the blackberry seeds out of my teeth?

27. Stop studying her face for new wrinkles.
What're wrinkles again?

28. Resist the urge to buy any face cream with the word "miracle" in the ad.
Is face cream sunscreen? No, wait, it's acne medicine, right?

29. Have the world`s most com- fortable or luxurious pajamas.
Oh yeah. Victoria's Secret.

30. Cease trying to please everyone. Abraham Lincoln was wrong. It may be possible to please all the people all the time, but you will kill yourself in the process.
I think I got over this pretty young. But not at work.

31. Master the art of being completely still.
That balance thing - I know.

32. Reconnect with siblings. Friends come and go but siblings are forever.

33. Take up a sport she thought she was too old for.
AGAIN? What now?

34. trace of embarrassment.
I missed something here.

35. Know how to talk to an auto mechanic.
Uh oh - schedule that, Heather.

36. Pick the household chore she hates the most and assign it to someone else.
Yeah, cats - clean the toilets.

37. Buy something extravagant just because she wants it.
Do this too often.

38. Discard clothes that don`t fit. (You will probably never be, say, a size 6 again, and it`s okay.)
5 bags donated earlier this year.

39. Feel free to express an unpopular opinion.
I'd rather keep most of those to myself. Unless I feel strongly, of course.

40. Know how much life insurance she has.
Probably not enough.

41. Be comfortable confronting authority.
I fought the law, and won. I probably fit this bill.

42. Stop saying yes when she wants to say no.
Done - long, long ago.

43. Be kind to her joints.
Yep - stretch. Luxurious baths. Keep the muscle around them strong.

44. Have a kitchen she enjoys cooking in.
Eh, not bad. I could use one of those island thingees.

45. Teach her husband to cook so if she should die first he doesn`t spend his remaining days eating tuna out of a can.
He can grill! And microwave!

46. Correct people who tell her that she looks good for her age by saying "This is what 50 looks like."
I have to wait a while for this one.

47. Take up an artistic pursuit such as painting or playing the piano without feeling silly about it.
Why would I feel silly. Okay - knitting MIGHT make me feel silly.

48. Boycott movies in which a 60-year-old actor romances a 21-year-old actress (just on principle).
If you want to - it should say.

49. Learn to love Jane Austen
Can I just watch the movies?

50. Give up the notion of being a "good girl" because she`s not a girl anymore.
Uh, okay.

All in all, an interesting list. The thing that has me most stymied is what my next sport's gonna be...


Posted by hln at 07:16 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 05, 2003

Wisconsin Cities

Hey, all you Wisconsin bloggers - any of you live in any of these cities?

Found by coworker and friend Ted Eull.


Posted by hln at 12:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 31, 2003

Girl Power

How would you like to tell your cellmates you were beaten up by a mob of teenaged girls?

    PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said on Friday.

    Rudy Susanto, 25, who had exposed himself to teen-age girls on as many as seven occasions outside St. Maria Goretti School, struck again on Thursday just as students were being dismissed, police said.

    But this time, a group of girls in school uniforms angrily confronted Susanto with help from some neighbors, police said. When Susanto tried to run, more than 20 girls chased him down the block. Two men from the neighborhood caught him and the girls took their revenge.

    "The girls came and started kicking him and punching him, so I wasn't going to stop them," neighbor Robert Lemons told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

    Susanto was later treated for injuries at a local hospital. Police said he would be charged with 14 criminal counts including harassment, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and corrupting the morals of a minor.
Hmm, when it happened to me (different dude, obviously), all I could do was exclaim, "SHIT!" laugh really hard, and start walking quickly in the general direction of other people. This guy was in a car, though.

I like the punching and kicking approach mucccch better.


Posted by hln at 11:41 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 26, 2003

Taking One for the Bartender

A quiz, that is. Hey, Bartender. Here you go.

Going for the classic choice, none can go wrong with a classy Long Islander!
Congratulations! You're a Long Island Iced Tea!

What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Posted by hln at 09:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Nothing Says "I'm an Individual" Like...

...posing naked with 449 of your "closest friends" in the name of art.

Hey, grandkids, that's me - see, number 332! I was so special.


Posted by hln at 12:33 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 25, 2003

More Boobage Terminology

You guys think that manboob thing is getting old? Well, today I learned about the quadra-boob. (Blogspot blog - so Control+F quadra should get you there).


Posted by hln at 01:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 16, 2003


Jennifer Larson of Jennifer's History and Stuff is interviewing me. She needs questions! She needs 'em quick, as the cut-off is midnight!

I will, of course, link to this when it's available to be read. Jennifer's e-mail is

She's interviewing others as well, so please be sure to tell her that the question is geared toward me. All questions will be anonymous in origin.

(If you don't send her questions, then I'll be forced to answer such inane standbys as "what are the names of your neighbors' 10 gerbils?)


Posted by hln at 11:36 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 13, 2003

Headline of the Day

US surgeons part twins.

I always thought it was that humans were all twins or not twins at all. What one can learn from Europe!


Posted by hln at 05:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 09, 2003

Aren't Headlines Fun

Computer Associates Shares Sink.

At first I thought the "s" on Associates was a typo. Damned literalist that I am.


Posted by hln at 04:07 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 06, 2003

Decision-Making Tool Conference

That's right, folks, it's the 2003 Rock Paper Scissors International Championships.

Ohhhhhhh, baby! I like this tool. This is how Brian and I decide who's driving and who's drinking (and, darnit, he is pretty good at guessing my pysche at any given moment and knowing when to pull that paper move, sigh).

Still - got an argument over something stupid and inane? Rock Paper Scissors it. There, you feel much better now.


Posted by hln at 06:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Blogger Drinking Game

Matt of Blackfive brings us The Blogger Drinking Game.

I think this was inspired by something called...the Cubs?



Posted by hln at 06:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 05, 2003


I knew this one, too. Just validated it.

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 13% of the total population.
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test


Posted by hln at 09:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Enneagram Test

Kelley of Suburban Blight points readers to this site, and I just started taking the tests. New tests are fun. Here are my results from the Enneagram; very accurate.

Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test


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Kitten Punching and Legumes

Jared expounds (and quite gracefully so, but brief) on the media's Arnold smear campaign.

And, everybody, remember to wipe down the bench.


Posted by hln at 08:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 03, 2003

Better than Lemons to Lemonade

When comments bring him hate spam, Frank J. gives the rest of us a really good post.

Bless Ronin! (Is that grammatically correct, Frank? I don't think so.)


Posted by hln at 07:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

I found this test via The Speculist

I liked it, and it appeared to be fairly accurate. The results came up with two types, one, a Linguistic Thinker (oh, definitely), and the other was an Intrapersonal Thinker. I'd have to say that's true, too.



Posted by hln at 04:04 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

PHRASE of the Day

The phrase of the day is "frisky unibrow." No, seriously. Unibrow came from the same wordsmith, just several hours later.

Incorporate THAT one in your blogs for me (or not).


Posted by hln at 01:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Proper Way to Eat Carrots

Interested-Participant informs us that the British know the government-approved way to eat carrots.

Whatever will I do? I've done this all wrong my whole life. Is there redemption?


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The Word of the Day is...


But make sure you use it with a Spanish accent for the proper effect.


Posted by hln at 11:44 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 02, 2003

Once Bitten...

I'm surprised Electric Venom didn't snap this puppy up with a giant gulp.

Man bitten in Wal-Mart by a snake?


What sorts of scenarios can we paint here given such limited information?

I'll give you two, but these are dull. It happened this way, or it didn't. Oh, I guess the snake could be a reincarnation of Sam Walton, and it was displeased with the man - that's kinda a sub-situation.

Comments section is open - what do YOU think?


Posted by hln at 07:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 01, 2003

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

Alternate Title: How Soon is Now?

First, scroll ALL the way to the bottom. Blogspot isn't being friendly with permalinks.

Then, read.


Posted by hln at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Ooh, Very Bad

Brian is a cooler operating system than I, who have worked WAY too much today.

You are OS2-Warp. You're plagued by feelings of abandonment and disgust for your backstabbing step-brother.  Oh, what might have been.
Which OS are You?


Posted by hln at 09:15 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 30, 2003

Spork and Web Services

Via Ted, my coworker and friend, I learned this.
    Kansas City, MO - After a six month intense integration efforts, senior consultants at B2BIntegration Inc have been unable to get a plastic spork from service provider Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) to interoperate with an IBM mainframe.
If only they'd let ME configure it. Sigh. I am privy in the ways of Spork. (You've got to strip it all down and recompile the Colonel. I mean, doh.)


Posted by hln at 06:54 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Blackfive's Bash

So, Matt, when's the party?

Let's schedule this thing.


Posted by hln at 02:01 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 22, 2003

Latest Obsessions

Hello all - I promise to write before linking, but linking is SOO (yes, two Os) much fun now because of....obsession #1.

Hans has long extolled the virtues of his RSS feed interpreter reader thingee to the point that one day he said "put an RSS feed on your blog." I complied. But, with Blogger, there ain't no easy way. Hence, I have a hand-coded feed I update every time after I post. I can put some fun stuff in the feed, though, and often I do.

At any rate, this weekend, I gave a bunch of different feed mulchers the whirl, and I'm still playing with two free ones. If anyone knows of a paid one that's worth the money, I'm willing to entertain that on recommendation. The last RSS aggregators standing are: Bloglines and MyWireService. The big deal about Bloglines is that it allows me to "group" feeds in a folder and then view the contents of the folder as one big amalgamated scrolling list of blogger goodness. The upside of MyWireService is that it's much simpler to find news-related channels. When I'm an expert in exporting this info, then I'll have the hook-up.

Obsession #2 has nothing to do with number 1. I'm crazy about Propel Fitness Water. I'm so crazy about it that it - with only 10 calories per serving (sugar/sucralose) and two servings to a bottle - has me excited about water. Only problem? That damned sugar. I've never been a soda drinker (and take that literally - I do mean NEVER), and so my teeth are in some pretty good condition. A week of drinking, oh, seven bottles a day, and my poor teeth are so sensitive on one side that I had to reevaluate my newfound boon. Kinda scary.

But, on the soda/teeth/sugar/Propel note, a coworker brought in a pamphlet from his dentist that says "Stop the Pop!" You guessed it - sugar/carbonation (acid, baby) do a double whammy to da teeth. I guess this isn't surprising; I've just never had to consider it. I found more info on the web if you're interested.


Posted by hln at 08:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 21, 2003

Duck Soup

Via most of the Munuvians including but not limited to:

Me, I'm a Super Hero Duck. Of course.

Quack Rubber Duck Quiz



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September 19, 2003

Classical XXX! Hot! Wahoo! No

Wahoo! No commentary necessary...yet. (Link).

    Handel Masterpiece Gets 'Explicit' Label

    SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP) - George Frideric Handel has at least one thing in common with Eminem and other modern artists: his music was slapped with an "explicit" warning at Apple Computer Inc.'s online iTunes Music Store.

    The baroque composer's 1742 masterpiece, "The Messiah," was marked with the red warning that indicates the content might not be appropriate for young children or others with sensitive tastes. It's on a recording by the London Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by John Alldis.

    The warning, which appeared when the album's tracks were made available Tuesday but disappeared late Tuesday, was most likely a technical mix-up, though "The Messiah" does touch on love, violence and death - in a more profound way than, say, most music produced 260 years later.
Hey, look out for that Water Music video. Steeeeamy!


Posted by hln at 10:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Gently-Bash-Liberals-With-Rational-Thought Night

I found two gentle but accurate pokes at liberals and decided to begin a post of themed links here. This may or may not get updated throughout the night as I do or do not find more.

1) The Yeti offers two links to Liberal "Rules" for Arguing. And they're dead on.

2) Michael Williams of Master of None writes about Idealistic Fools and chides thus:

    The problem I have with most "liberals" (i.e., leftists) is that although they aren't purposefully fascist, they seem to think that they can bring about an "ideal" society -- utopia -- by forcing people to behave properly. Christopher, who writes in the comment section (and blogs here), isn't ill-intentioned, but he doesn't want to face the reality that many of his positions are untenable, and many of his policies are impossible to implement; in the attempt to create the utopia he desires, he would instead bring about the wholesale elimination of the freedoms he values.


Posted by hln at 09:47 PM | Comments (1)

Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day

I refused to talk like a pirate today, but I will offer you Frank J's Know Thy Enemy: Pirates.

    Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger... that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!
(Link found via Jennifer's History and Stuff, though I shouldn't admit I visited her before Frank, now, should I?)

Also, Blackfive's got a quiz you can take to find your niche in the pirate hierarchy.


Posted by hln at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)

September 16, 2003


The Meatriarchy would be serving up some frozen burgers if the blog were based outta Calgary.



Posted by hln at 08:40 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2003

Nigerian E-mail Conference! My friend

My friend Tim forwarded me the link to this. It's good lunchtime snickering.


Posted by hln at 11:45 AM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2003

Who is Asparagirl?

And where is she? I mean EVERYONE links to her (and now, well, so do I).

When I first started reading blogs, I'd pop in on her because, well, everyone links to her, and she has such a cool name. But she's mostly AWOL.

TTLB has her listed at #189 - she's a Large Mammal.

What a legacy!


Posted by hln at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2003

80's Song

80's Song

Via Brian.

Sweet Dreams
"Sweet Dreams" (by Eurythmics) Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Brian is "When Doves Cry"

What does this MEAN? Aargh. (So, if I ask questions and do things like say, "discuss," does that garner comments? Should I post .wav files of me begging? That begging thing seems to work (see below).

On to something more serious...


Posted by hln at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

September 04, 2003

So Am I Jane?


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Posted by hln at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)

September 01, 2003

Quizilla Again

I took one more today:

You're a sphinx. You're one smart cookie, but
possibly a sociopath, seeing as you kill anyone
who can't answer your riddles correctly. The tv
show "who wants to be a millionaire"
would be much more interesting with you as the

which monster from classical mythology are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Posted by hln at 03:47 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2003


As seen on Little Miss Atilla - What herb are you?


What herb are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmph. No wonder I'm so unloved ;)


Posted by hln at 04:31 PM | Comments (0)

July 01, 2003

A ha! He's a Hurricane

I have the proof. My esteemed spouse, Brian J, is a hurricane.

    Most times we'll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, "Aha! A hurricane!" Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you'll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, "Wow! You're smart."

Posted by hln at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

June 04, 2003



Brian, I'd like to remind you that Jewel rhymes with drool and fool. Jewel - forever after to be known as Jool.


Posted by hln at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)

May 01, 2003

New Job for Iraqi Information Minister

He's the dude on the phone. I'd hide in the closet, too.

Oh, and thankyouthankyou Brian m'love for finding the pic for me again. I printed it in February of 2002, and it is still affixed to my cubicle wall at work.


Posted by hln at 09:26 PM | Comments (0)

April 30, 2003

Model Search

I want to be the t-shirt model for this. Someone recommend me? I can't just go in there in the comments and recommend myself, you see, because that would be far too blatant and I'd have no credability.


Posted by hln at 06:28 PM | Comments (0)

April 21, 2003

Because Will Told Me To

Because Will Told Me To

Anything's funny at 8:40 on Monday morning. But this is especially strange. I will dream of it, I'm sure.

Oh, and this is equally disturbing. I have a 15 year-old private joke/true story with a friend from high school about a dog that vomited two-month old yellow Peeps in our presence (yellow ones, no less) on a blue carpet. Yellow and blue make green! And dogs and Peeps should never mix.


Posted by hln at 08:45 AM | Comments (0)