Coin-Op

I just got done flapping my ostrich wings for amusement (Joust - Shockwave emulation. Check it out - quite fun). Didn't score so well, so I stopped putting off blogging, and here I am.

And the first amusing story I find is about a coin-operated dude.

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- French doctors were taken aback when they discovered the reason for a patient's sore, swollen belly: He had swallowed around 350 coins -- $650 worth -- along with assorted necklaces and needles.

The 62-year-old man came to the emergency room of Cholet General Hospital in western France in 2002. He had a history of major psychiatric illness, was suffering from stomach pain, and could not eat or move his bowels.

Sing along with me...here's a quarter, call someone who cares. (Or swallow it, I guess. A quarter swallowed's not a quarter spent? Neither a borrower nor lender be?)

hln

Beal

Beal. It rhymes with wheel, meal, steal, steel, feel, eel, teal, seal, deal, keel, Neal, peel, peal, veal, and spiel.

And I've got it, too. Susie has named my disease, you see. You know, that condition wherein one really DOES have the time (at least I DID) to churn out a few blog entries a day, but, see, she doesn't. At best, you may have one, and if it's like last night, well, as you see, just a mere sentence pointing to someone else's work. Someone who is unbealed.

Sigh. Back to work.

hln

LaRouche!

I think Brian has done the writing for both of us this evening. He recounts his 16 years of making fun of Lyndon LaRouche, and it's a very worthy read.

Leave your comments for him here...to make him wish he had comments.

hln

A Citizen Has Escaped From Rhythm Nation

Missed the Super Bowl. Got the score afterward and the "important info" of course. What an Escapade! And she did that All For You, you know. Nasty!

hln

State Travel

I've heard about this, but the first place I saw it was over at Mike Courtney's. Here's my state list.


create your own visited states map or write about it on the open travel guide

As you can see, I'm not much for the coasts. My most recent new states were New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Before that, California. Arizona/New Mexico was a band bus trip in high school. Brian and I flew into New Jersey briefly on our honeymoon (to change planes).

hln

Health Advice

Advice from a commentor:

"some of the posts here are ignorant. a person won't get osteoporosis or rickets. it's been found that women who drink milk get osteoporosis much more than vegan women. beer is more nutritious than milk, though i won't recommend that for kids.
the milk in the vending machines could be replaced with juices. i think it's best if the soda is also removed.

cows won't explode if not milked. the only reason they're in danger from not being milked is because they're given hormones that make them produce more milk than they naturally would, and because their calves are taken away to be made into veal. stop the hormones and let them have their calves and everything would be OK."

Refers to this old post. Commenter: PETA thanks you.

hln

80s, Baby

I eat cannibal
Feed on animal
Your love is so edible to me
I eat cannibals

I eat cannibal
It's incredible
You bring out the animal in me
I eat cannibals

What can you do
You're in a stew
Hot hot cook it up
I'm never gonna stop
Fancy a bite
My appetite
Yum yum gee it's fun
Banging on a different drum

This obnoxious 80's moment brought to you by Toto Coelo and angelweave.

hln

"Just The Way You Are"

"Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore."

Billy Joel wisdom, yes, indeed.

Not in the year 2004, evidently.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Love is not blind -- at least when it comes to facial plastic surgery.

Of people who are dating or married, 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one feature on their partner's face, according to an American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery survey released on Monday.

It found that men were most likely to take suggestions about plastic surgery as an insult.

Hmm...can't think of anything I'd change on Brian. He looks better without his hat, but that's a prop. For me, I'll stick to the newfound Olay regimen. Had enough plastic surgery, seems.

The Alexandria, Virginia, academy sponsored the telephone survey Dec. 2-5 of 1,000 adults across the United States, including 738 who were dating or married. It had a margin of error of plus or minus 3.2 percent.

Respondents said they would change their lover's hair (24 percent women, 17 percent men), wrinkles (9 percent women, 11 percent men), nose (11 percent women, 9 percent men), mouth (6 percent each), eyes (5 percent each) or ears (4 percent each).

Wonder what Virginia Postrel would have to say about that little twist in our aesthetic society - I've heard her info on when people undertake such pains for their own behest. Wonder how the spousal plastic surgery wishes (and executions) stack up to the divorce rate.

hln

I am Pac-Man!

This quiz fits me pretty well.

I am Pacman. I am an aggressive sort of personality, out to get what I can, when I can. I prefer to avoid confrontation, but sometimes when it's called for, I can be a powerful character. I tend to be afflicted with munchies constantly. What Video Game Character Are You?

Thanks to LeeAnn.

Posted by hln at 11:55 AM | Comments (2)

Homonym Game

If it sounds the same, it's the homonym game.

This was my mother's thing when I was younger - homonyms, homophones. Probably why I can spell pretty well. There's there, their, and they're. And then cite, site, sight, etc.

Today's homonym had me snickering, though. It's a good one in light of the mad cow frenzy aflight within the nation.

Awful offal anyone?

hln

ln

Brian has pointed out that I have forgotten my name.

It's lack of blogging, people. Too much work. What can I say? I miss it. I hope to return to a regular schedule soon.

Though Louise Noggle isn't nearly as nice as Heather Louise Noggle. I think of Louise Jefferson. I'll try to return to hln posthaste.

hln

Juicy!

Tuesday night. Brian and I are working back in the gym, which is completely overcrowded due to the fact it was January 13, 2004, and those resolutioners are still hard at it.

I'm a people watcher. I admit it. So when this chickadee strutted, er, walked by in her navel-baring black pantaloons that just happened to say "Juicy" in large white letters across the rump portion, I gave up the gawk.

Juicy!

Actually, I thought she was a bit on the skinny side. Can skinny be juicy? Is that possible? Is this advertising? Public relations? Non-subliminal messaging? Whom is she attempting to convince? Perhaps a reminder - affirmation when she clothes herself? I feel juicy, therefore I am?

So I make the obligatory snarky comment to the spouse, "Honey, I promise not to wear words across my ass." And I point. We all know pointing is rude.

In the locker room, Juicy's got said marked part parked in front of my locker. Yes, really, she does. Thanks, babe. I didn't really want to read your rear, but it was right there. Two syllables in front of my Master Lock. It brought to mind that old catchphrase for SizzleLean - "Move over bacon; now there's something meatier."

The real reason for a non-wordy ass? I'm afraid "Succulent" just might fit across mine. Or perhaps a whole sentence. Or, Hans might suggest a haiku.

hln

Brian and Style

My spouse has foreseen the fashion trends, according to MSN. (Well, MSN didn't state it quite that explicitly).

Fedoras Last year it was the newsboy cap, this year it's the fedora. Not everyone can pull it off, but a men's-style fedora, especially paired with a sleek low ponytail, can be chic, polished, and warm all at the same time. Try one in a preppy tweed, like Kangol's Newmarket Trilby ($54).

Please, baby, no ponytail.

Might I direct you to the most accessible Brian-in-fedora pics? See, when he puts on the hat, you can't tell he has hair. When we met, Brian had these very thick glasses that distorted his eyes a bit (he usually wore contacts). Those are not shown in these pics, but if he put them on with the fedora, he looked like Toht, the medallion-handed villain in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Hence, he brought this to the world. I just thought I'd share.

Ladies and gentlemen, Toht or Not!. Don't forget to rate him!

hln

<themeMusic>Tales ......... Of The Bizarre</themeMusic>

Ryan sent me this today. He sits across from me at work, and he sent this via IM. Some of you might find that odd to be instant messaging the person across from you, but, really, it's not.

Okay. I'll have to pedal faster. I finished reading the Lion Attacks Bicyclist article, and I looked to the right on the web page. And that's when I saw THIS.

SAN DIEGO -- Two women have been jailed in San Diego in an alleged poisoning plot.

Authorities say the pair planned to use the poison ricin to kill the husband of one of the women to get insurance money. The husband is a Marine at Camp Pendleton.

Authorities say the two women -- both 21 -- are lovers. They allegedly used a recipe they got on the Internet to cook up a small amount of the poison out of castor beans. Authorities don't suspect any terrorism ties.

California state troopers say they found the ricin in a car the two women were riding in east of San Diego. They say the poison was in a bag.

From this point, it almost sounds like a murder novel. And then it takes a turn for the weird.

The troopers say they also found a pistol, a handwritten ricin recipe and some castor beans. They say the women were wearing shoplifted clothing -- with the sales tags still attached.

Boy, these two are some smart chickees, no? But this is what takes the cake.

Authorities say the two had also tried in the past to kill the husband.

Okay, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. He's still "the husband" after one or more murder attempts?

Yow.

hln

My Modeling Career

Hey, boys and girls! I'm gonna try out!

Or not.

Silliness aside, I think it's a great idea. Get more people to the gym. Now, if we can just get some of the silly macho-but-not-really-in-shape men to stop grunting and lifting with obscene amounts of momentum instead of muscle, perhaps they'll stay.

hln hln

Good Thing I'm Not a Domestic Engineer, Too

Snarky spouse Brian J. gives you a peek into his work life with his post Thank Goodness Software "Engineers" Aren't Civil Engineers.

The permalink is broken, but it's a top post. Brian forgot to sell a piece of his soul to Blogger AGAIN this month.

About the Domestic Engineer thing - I can't fold t-shirts. Enough said.

hln

Come Dancing?

Okay, that's not funny if you've just been shot in the leg.

Please don't tell me that the lady's name is Lola.

God save the Village Green.

(Get better Ray).

hln

Blackfive and Good Drinking, Good Food, and Coleman Grills

I had the recent pleasure of interviewing the blogosphere's own Paratrooper of Love this last Friday. This will be a bit out of order and, well, disjointed, but it's more fun that way. The later the entry, the more alcohol was consumed, and so on, and so forth.

It began as naming good drinking cities. It went elsewhere but stayed mostly on topic; we tried to hit all 50 states.

• Boston - "#3, home of Sam Adams."
  
  
• Chicago - #1 - great! [interviewer thinks he's biased]
  
  
• Milwaukee - [Has a #2 by it but my notes say that Brian says "no." I don't remember Matt giving it a #2...how'd that get there?]
  
  
• Philly - "#11 - "Claim to fame - beef with fried cheese - I love it." [Interviewer cringes again]
  
  
• Cleveland, St. Louis, Denver - [All get "ok" ratings.]
  
  
• Boulder, CO - "Big party town if you have a big trust fund."
  
  
• Ames, IA - "Not so horribly bad."
  
  
• Ann Arbor's "Great."
  
  
• Lansing - "Cheap."
  
  
• Arizona - "Nothing there." I don't think we ever even got to towns.
  
  
• Annapolis - "Top 20." [He has an ex-girlfriend there - Sherry (I gave her the nickname of "Cooking") who sings in a bar.]
  
  
• DC - "No, but Georgetown" [censored]
  
  
• Virginia - Richmond - "Too many Marines"
  
  
• Texas - [he transitions to food yet again] - "good BBQ"
  
  
• Austin, San Antonio - "Okay."
  
  
• Dallas - "Overrated. Cowboys suck. It'd be good for the sport if Troy Aikman" [censored]
  
  
• Tulsa - "Not such a bad drinking town." [Brian noted that "it's a slut backwards."]
  
  
• Tahoe - "Pretty good place." [censored] "But the lake is beautiful."
  
  
• Las Vegas - "Never been."
  
  
• Nona Rosa, San Francisco - "Great. Ask for Chris if you go there."
  
  
• Malibu, LA "Okay" [Interviewee ranks beer above random women in this conversation. He likes grills, though. Something was mentioned about Armorall and Salma Hayek. Matt said, "You can Armorall her, too." [I don't believe this was a euphemism; it would have to be censored then, and I don't have a notation.]
  
  
• Portland, OR - "#25. As weird as San Francisco, but not as expensive, not as big."
  
  
• Seattle's "Okay - good place." [Matt then went into tour-guide mode, mentioning Pioneer Square, Gasworks Park, Fremont Republic. He mentioned "diverse" and used the words business suit and Rastafarian.]
  
  
• Vancouver - "Great drinking town." [More tour guide stuff - buildings, cobblestone streets.]
  
  
• Missoula - "Kinda okay. Bottom 100. But if you're in Montana and you have to go somewhere, it's a good place to go. Helena, no."
  
  
• Wyoming? "No." [Somehow we digressed to a skiing tangent. I have no context.]
  
  
• Utah - "Mormons." [He'll pass. Maybe ski there someday.]
  
  
• South Dakota - Badlands "Okay."
  
  
• North Dakota - "All they can do is drink."
  
  
• Omaha - "Buddy was a Guinness distributor. Pull off the highway. $2 filet mignon. I'll take 6." [More toury stuff - historic downtown, 1850, 1860, saloons.] "Nothing else to do. Eat steak and drink beer."
  
  
• Kansas - "No."
  
  
• Indiana - "No. Mr. Green's from Indiana. Yeah, Indiana, no."
  
  
• Alaska - "Hmm."
  
  
• Mobile's - "Not too bad."
  
  
• Mississippi - "No."
  
  
• Georgia - "Hard drinking in Georgia."
  
  
• New Orleans. [censored] "Anywhere you go and they ask you if it's for here or to go - that's a good place."
  
  
• Charleston - "Great drinking town. If I can clean out all the scotch in one bar, that's not a good thing."
  
  
• North Carolina - "Okay if you like tattoo parlors and strip joints." [disclaimer: Matt wishes that the 82d Airborne not take offense.]
  
  
• Tennessee - "Every town in Tennessee is a good drinking town."
  
  
• Louisville - "Good town. A lot of colleges nearby. Cool pubs and breweries downtown. Good place to raise a family. [Matt contrasts with North Carolina and then censors himself.]
  
  
• South Carolina - "SC pride - bumper stickers. You buy them in bars. Women in South Carolina wear stuff with Carolina on it, and they don't mean North Carolina. Charleston - more pubs than any other town in the south." [See previous section about scotch.]
  
  
• Alabama - "I don't want to piss anybody off in Alabama, so we'll just skip Alabama."
  
  
• Minneapolis - "Good. Nothing else to do except freeze your ass off. They drink a lot of vodka. Good Indian restaurants. Closing time is midnight. This is a problem unless you start drinking at 3 or 4."
  
  
• Newport, Rhode Island - "Take a ferry out to Block Island. 45 minute ride. Great place. Lots of bars."
  
  
• Connecticut - "Ex girlfriend there." [She drove him to a lot of drinking.] "Bethel is a good place. Good ice cream. Meg Ryan's from there. This is bad; she left Dennis Quaid."
  
  
• Buffalo - "Buffalo Wings - Tin Lizzie's. Quite a few others. What the hell else are you gonna do?"
  
  
• New York, New York - "Too expensive."
  
  
• Portland, Maine - "#99. Not a bad place."
  
  
• Santa Fe, Albuquerque - "Fun place." [Heather challenged to accurately spell Albuquerque correctly. Bluffs. Takes a drink of water instead of wine.] "Good restaurants and all of the restaurants have good bars. Really, really nice. Could raise a family there, but your kids couldn't spell Albuquerque." [Further, this spelling of Albuquerque is much simpler while sober.]
  
  
• Boise - "Great frickin' town. Skiing, weather, mountains, beer - underrated. Raise a family there. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore."
  
  
• New Jersey - Jersey Shore - "Right before Desert Storm, couldn't buy a drink there - always covered with a blessing."
  
  
• San Juan, Puerto Rico - "Lots of Tequila. Brings out the evil twin."
  
  
• [Interviewer cannot read her last bit of notes about the University of Illinois area - something about grills, not girls, drinking, no skiing, and the food sucks - Olive Garden being the best you can get there.]

And there you have it.

hln

Cookie!

Thanks to Susie, I'm a cookie.


What Kind of Cookie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hln

So Restless Indeed

It's 10:23 p.m. I'm just now blogging, and I have given myself 7 minutes to complete this post. 5 a.m. comes early.

Do you recognize the lyric? Are you one of those people who can't sit still - who can't relax until exhausted? I am. It explains the cycling, the weight lifting, the volleyball. I think with inactive people they call this ADHD. And give them drugs. Actually, it's probably just the Type A personality. Or programmer's leg.

You've seen it, haven't you? The leg that bounces up and down. It's usually my right leg moving in some silly way. Often, it's the left tucked under the right and the right leg swinging. Motion. Gah! Must have motion.

Brian named it, and it's a habit I've seen with many in my profession. I don't think I've noticed it with the guys I work with, but I've seen it. Really, I have. We sit for such long periods of time. So often, I just can't deal. I have to get up and get more water. Shake the leg while standing. Just do SOMETHING. And when I'm in a hurry, oh, look out. Frenetic motion, pushing others aside; parting the slow flesh-colored seas. I'm on a MISSION, people; doncha see? The grocery store can stress me out. I have to suppress the "Rarr!" emotion and subsequent actions.

Why do people move slowly anyway (I'd best wrap up - 2 mins left)? I just don't get it. I mean, if you've already pulsed yourself into an exhausted heap and are melting in your own sweat, okay. But this languid sloth that overcomes most, uh, probably normal folk, I just don't get it. That being said, I'm going to go shake a leg in my sleep. Or something. And please tell me you can hear Simon LeBon, right?

"She's moody and grey, she's mean and she's restless..."

With editing, it's 10:33.

Good night. Rarr!

hln

Cars for Women!

Michele at A Small Victory has a post about Volvo (you know - They're Boxy but They're Good) designing a car with women in mind. She says:

So Volvo got a bunch of their female workers together and had them design a car with women in mind. This prototype will include such innovations as a valley down the center of the headrest for ponytail wearers, and an hood that can only be opened by a mechanic (who is contacted by some wireless thigamajig) because women just hate to be bothered with mechanical maintanence of a car.

Whatever.

Yeah. Strange, no? Cars are pretty unisex. The actual article says this:

Volvo hopes the prototype will send a message to female buyers, who have long felt neglected by male designers and disrespected by dealerships.

Beyond that, Volvo wants to shake up the male-dominated culture inside the company, something found at virtually all automakers. Ultimately, Volvo says, the project might help attract women employees as well as women buyers.

We should make cars for Asians! For people of Hispanic descent! Maybe not. Want to make a car appealing to women? Make it curvy and eye-catching. Oh, wait, that's just making the car appealing to me. How would I know what women want?

Just a bit more...

Model name? The Volva. Groan in unison, please.

hln

Well, Doh!

Yeah, I rigged it, but oh well.


You are the the Swedish Chef. You are a talented individual, nobody understands you. Perhaps it's because you talk funny.

FAVORITE EXPRESSION: "Brk! Brk! Brk!" (it's BORK you sillies!)

HOBBIES:
Kokin' der yummee-yummers

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Wild Strawberries...and Creme"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Der Swedish Chef Kokin' Bokin'"

QUOTE:
"Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der brk-brk
yubetcha!"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Found all over Munuviana! Ambient Irony and Jennifer's History and Stuff.

hln

Philosophical Moments

Wow, I seem to have a pretty serious Aristotelian bent, according to this test, found via The Evangelical Outpost.

My top matches:

1. Aristotle (100%)
2. Aquinas (89%)
3. David Hume (86%)
4. Ayn Rand (79%)
5. St. Augustine (75%)
6. Plato (71%)

I'm not sure Aristotle, Sir Thomas, and Mr. Skeptic Hume would get along very well if kept in a warm room for 6 hours without a door and/or windows. So how's that work in my head?That's my first thought. Do I contradict myself? I don't think I do. No, wait, I do. Naa.

I am pleased to note that Utilitarianism never made an appearance. It's hiding under the dust ruffle in my guest bedroom.

hln

The Funniest Thing I've Seen All Day

And, yes, I'm going to make you click the link to get to it. Worth it. I nearly choked on lunch.

No wonder I'm fearful of men with beards.

hln

BUSTY REDHEAD BUNNY PICTURES

Yes, really. Type that into MSN, and you get me. Of course, you also get Slashdot (uh, of course), Log Cabin Crafts, and then three CHOICE porn sites. Don't worry - just screenshot pics of the first pages, so you can click the link, but I'd suggest you not do this at work.

To searching person, sorry. Nothing about me bespeaks bunny or busty. I can tell you how to avoid manboobs, though. Drink up.

hln

The Twelve o'Clock Flasher

Get your minds out of the gutter!

I hadn't seen this yet, so when I opened the e-mail from my friend Tim, I had a good humor day starter. And if you haven't seen it yet (likely you have), it's worth five minutes of your time.

I present to you "Internet Help Desk." I have so been that guy.

hln

Ruinous

As a directed public service announcement, I must proclaim the secrets of pant maintenance to enlighten Allah.

1) If you are tearing your trousers, remember, a stitch in time saves nine. Trite, but true.

2) Allow me to acquaint you with the grand appliance known as the washing machine.

3) Goodwill. Cheap slacks.

4) Lee Pleated Stain Resistant Performance Khakis. Need I say more?

Happy pant maintenance. Cheers.

hln

"Two Legs of Lamb and a Small Turkey"

Hey - anybody else who saw Instapundit's turkey pic trying to figure out what breed of dog that thing is? Brian's sure it's Snoopy.

Traditional. Uh huh.

hln

Trey Givens: Capitalist

Trey Givens is in Peru.

But now we know why he went. He's going to bring back a bunch of this stuff and sell it for its street value.

*wink*

hln

And You Thought Viking Kittens Was Funny

Yes, another silly picture. This one courtesy of Harvey of Bad Money. Very worth a look. There's something about cats standing upright that just cracks me up.

Happy Thanksgiving.

hln

Be Careful What You Laugh Out Loud At

Jed from Boots and Sabers brings you a picture of triumph over anorexia.

What a day I'm going to have - giddy already.

hln

Oh Baby!

Found this site via Ilyka who found it on LeeAnn's site. Oops, guess that means I haven't visited LeeAnn yet today...best remedy that.

Bad, obnoxious baby names.

At any rate, the commentary on this bad dog is very, very, laugh-out-loud funny. So it's a can't miss.

hln

Hoot!

Found a quiz via Brian.


Your soul is bound to the Fourth Totem, Solomon:
The Owl. Solomon appears as an azure feathered owl. He
embodies wisdom, judgement, reason, and
stability. He is associated with the color
azure, the season of autumn, and the element of
water. His downfall is farsightedness. You are most compatible with Ravens and Monkeys.

Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

He's a monkey. We're compatible.

hln

Famous! Famous, I Say

Ah, so appropriate for Bonfire day. I am the _only_ hit on Yahoo for "naked women on mitsubishi eclipse."

Poor guy was sorely disappointed that the pic just turned out to be the "individualists" posing for the sake of art.

Still clothed after all these years,

hln

Same Idea, But I'm Just Not As Funny

Scrappleface touches on the Chewable Contraceptive idea.

(2003-11-17) -- The new chewable birth control pill approved by the FDA today will soon be marketed in the caricatured shapes of famous women like Kate Michelman, Senator Barbara Boxer and Hillary Clinton.

"We got the idea from the Flintstones vitamins," said an unnamed spokesman for Warner Chilcott, Inc., of Rockaway, N.J., the company that will market the pills for manufacturer Bristol Myers Squibb.

Flintstones aplenty.

hln

Weekend Quiz

You are mRNA. You're brilliant, full of important,
interesting information and you're a great
friend to the people you care about. You may
have sides to you that no one understands. But
while you understand more than most people,
you're only half-there most of the time.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay...that's accurate? Half where?

Found at One Little Victory

hln

Wacky Headline

I read this thing four times and then had to glance at the first paragraph to figure out WHAT THE HELL IT MEANT!

Chocolate Firm Eyes Diet Tips Amid Obesity Debate

Chocolate - mmmm.
Firm Eyes? Oh, like, you mean get rid of crow's feet?
Diet Tips? I give those.
Amid Obesity Debate? Yeah...

A leading British chocolate manufacturer said on Friday it may include diet tips on its product labels as sports stars and celebrities were criticized for promoting unhealthy food blamed for a sharp rise in child obesity.

OH! I see. No Botox. Even that first paragraph is a little clunky.

Cadbury Schweppes, one of the world's biggest international beverage and confectionery companies, said it had not decided what wording would be used on the labels, aimed at its British market, but added it would not be a warning.

"It is true we are looking at a number of options to provide better labeling for the consumer in terms of understanding what a balanced diet is," a spokeswoman for the company told Reuters.

Cadbury announced the move as The Lancet medical journal called for a stop to stars endorsing unhealthy food and amid warnings from health experts that obesity among children is a time bomb waiting to explode.

"Celebrity endorsement of junk food has to be banned," The Lancet said in an editorial, adding to a growing chorus of criticism in Europe and North America that foods and sweets with high fat or sugar content are causing a huge increase in obesity among children.

Obesity. Time bomb? I don't see it, sorry. It's that whole choice thing, y'know.

hln

The Name Game

I'm hopefully a master of my namesake; I'd bet Brian is, too.

"A lot like like Boggle, but with numbers instead. Use your number sense and math skill to get high scores. Challenge yourself."

I'll report back when I know for sure. Those number things are sure harder than letters/words.

hln

Robbery: A Product of Choice?

Crazy!

SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - The Brazilian (news - web sites) woman with the most body piercings in the world -- 1,903 -- fears returning to her crime-ridden home country as she would attract so much attention she could be robbed.

The last time I went to Brazil, I had to wear a face mask because since I have a lot of jewelry (pierced to the skin), I fear being robbed or attacked," Elaine Davidson told Reuters from Edinburgh in Britain where she lives.

Brazil has one of the highest crime rates in the world.

Davidson, who has been outside her home country for 10 years, won an entry in this year's Guinness World Records book after starting to pierce herself four years ago. In Edinburgh she runs a Brazilian restaurant.

She considers feeling pain a motivating factor in her life and says she also walks on beds of nails, fire and bits of glass.

"I like pain, I love pain," she said, explaining that she now wants to surpass exceed 2,000 body piercings.

The extremely creepy lines?

Her genitalia is the body part where she has the largest number of piercings -- 500 in all, externally and internally.

"It hurts in the chest as well," she said. "I had to take some out because of the silicone, the doctor asked."

Okay - I have now effectively quoted you the entire article. Thankfully, I found it AFTER I finished consuming my lunch.

I have four piercings - one in my left ear, and three in my right (the one with no feeling). I can't wear earrings, though, because of an adult-onset metal allergy. This woman would have more fun with her "pain" addiction if she had my condition.

I'm think I'll put a sign on the external wall of my cubicle that says "Normal."

hln

Poor Typing and Pseudo Insightful Moments

Attach and Attack are only one letter different. Discuss.

hln

Ah, the Gender Genie

Everyone's run some prose through the Gender Genie by now, no?

I've probably put 15 pieces through it of varying lengths and only ONCE has it ever categorized me as female. Bad Gender Genie.

Virginia Postrel has the best quote ever about this quirky little piece of code. I thought I'd share.

And I'm a heterosexual woman with raging hormones and an evolutionary-psychology-approved waist-hip ratio of 0.70. I'm not masculine; I just like definite articles. I'm not saying gender is socially constructed, but I wouldn't recommend that anyone look for dates based on Gender Genie scores. It's not just me and not just opinion journalists, D Magazine's restaurant critic, Nancy Nichols, reports scoring 100% male, while executive editor Tim Rogers says, "Turns out, I'm a chick."

Whap! She smacks down out the waist-hip ratio. She throws the definite article curveball! My hero.

hln

Blog Chicks Pix

James Joyner is linking to many of my body parts.

Elbow shot, anyone?

hln

Strange Lingerie

Steve Hall of adrants finds some strange things. Today's evidence is the "no smoking" bra.

Triumph International, a Swiss-based underwear maker, has developed a bra which it claims helps women quit smoking with embedded perfume capsules that react with cigarette smoke making it unpleasant smelling. The capsules contain lavender which has a sedative property as well as jasmine which alters the taste of cigarettes. The bra is also treated with liquid titanium to break down cigarette smoke.

Make sure you click on the link. The picture's hilarious.

hln

Sunday Spam!

Yes, I received SPAM with my Hotmail account. Shocking, no?

I actually opened this one, and it makes good blog fodder. Sit on the porch step (preferably in a virtual warm climate), and read along with me.

I bring you the 911 Review.

Here's what I "learned":

• Osama is a Patsy!
• Charges brought down the Twin Towers!
• There's an Ongoing Coverup!
• Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel!

And, oh, so much more! You, too, can be enlightened.

Psst...and Harvey, check out this Bad Money.

Too bad I'm no longer a grad student. I had a really good time with a militia rhetoric pamphlet once. This'd make for a longer paper.

hln

A Woofer's Debacle

Varg the police dog ignored his assignment. And he paid the price.

OSLO, Norway - When Varg the police dog was sent into a candy factory to track down two intruders, his sense of taste got the better of his sense of duty. The German Shepherd nearly ate himself sick.

Leif Berglund, of the police in the central Norway city of Trondheim, on Thursday said police were called to the Nidar candy factory after seven 13 -to 15-year-olds were found helping themselves to candy after they broke in.

Five surrendered at once, but two ran away. So police sent Varg to follow their trail. What he found was the trail of candy they left behind, as well as more candy in the building.

"He helped himself greedily," said Berglund. He said he was so full of candy "that we had to immediately transfer him to a more urgent assignment" on the lawn outside the building.

The article goes on for another couple of paragraphs, including a short sentence indicating that the dog will not face disciplinary action. I'll bet he's learned his lesson.

Poor dog. I'm blogging this because of the tongue-in-cheek "urgent assignment."

What a euphemism!

hln

By 50

I found this via Kelley of Suburban Blight. Thought I'd answer this list myself since I seem to be both boring lately and in a writing slump.

1. Say her age without hesitation.
All of the time. I'll show you my gray hairs, too.

2. Celebrate each birthday.
Well, of course!

3. Take better care of her body than she does her house.
Got this one down. My poor house suffers for it.

4. Do something that really scares her, just because it does.
Riding my bike on Olive when I'm just a couple of months past learning the clippy shoe thingees. Yep.

5. Stop waiting on her children.
My children meow.

6. If she`s still chauffeuring kids around, seize control of the radio.
N/A

7. Be able to name her senators and congressman.
Hmm - I think I'm missing one. Fortunately, I know the website of how to find them, so hopefully that counts for something.

8. Vote.
Almost always.

9. Know the difference between a stock and a mutual fund.
Not a problem. So many similarities, though - losing money...

10. Insist that doctors treat her with respect.
Got that one covered early. Lots of experience.

11. Stop smiling when she doesn`t feel like smiling.
Geez, I learned that at like 16.

12. Worship and obey her instincts.
Yes.

13. Drive a car she really likes.
1999 Mitsubishi Eclispe - big dog spoiler. Bright red. Covered.

14. Do something charitable that nobody knows about.
I'm not sure that the NOBODY point is covered...no, wait, it is.

15. Stop comparing herself to fashion models.
What are those again? Fitness models - yeah, okay, I should quit that because I look like the before of a Mesotech commercial when I make that comparison.

16. Get angry when it`s appropriate and not apologize.
Yes.

17. Distance herself from friends who take but don`t give.
Done. Wait, do I have friends?

18. Stay up late on occasion just to remember how it feels.
I probably have to schedule this one.

19. Decide that false modesty is tiresome.
Modest? Moi???

20. Ignore people who enjoy putting others down.
Covered.

21. Forgive her parents for their shortcomings.
My parents have shortcomings?

22. Forgive herself for past mistakes.
Mistakes are just life shapers - regret nothing so long as you don't repeat the bad stuff...especially if you're happy where you are today.

23. Know exactly how much money her family has in savings.
Almost to the penny.

24. Make sure her name is attached to all major assets.
Yep.

25. Quit deciding what she`ll do when she grows up.
Oh, ouch. That's a tough one. Can I retire when I grow up?

26. Floss regularly.
Have to. How else would I get the blackberry seeds out of my teeth?

27. Stop studying her face for new wrinkles.
What're wrinkles again?

28. Resist the urge to buy any face cream with the word "miracle" in the ad.
Is face cream sunscreen? No, wait, it's acne medicine, right?

29. Have the world`s most com- fortable or luxurious pajamas.
Oh yeah. Victoria's Secret.

30. Cease trying to please everyone. Abraham Lincoln was wrong. It may be possible to please all the people all the time, but you will kill yourself in the process.
I think I got over this pretty young. But not at work.

31. Master the art of being completely still.
That balance thing - I know.

32. Reconnect with siblings. Friends come and go but siblings are forever.
N/A.

33. Take up a sport she thought she was too old for.
AGAIN? What now?

34. trace of embarrassment.
I missed something here.

35. Know how to talk to an auto mechanic.
Uh oh - schedule that, Heather.

36. Pick the household chore she hates the most and assign it to someone else.
Yeah, cats - clean the toilets.

37. Buy something extravagant just because she wants it.
Do this too often.

38. Discard clothes that don`t fit. (You will probably never be, say, a size 6 again, and it`s okay.)
5 bags donated earlier this year.

39. Feel free to express an unpopular opinion.
I'd rather keep most of those to myself. Unless I feel strongly, of course.

40. Know how much life insurance she has.
Probably not enough.

41. Be comfortable confronting authority.
I fought the law, and the...law won. I probably fit this bill.

42. Stop saying yes when she wants to say no.
Done - long, long ago.

43. Be kind to her joints.
Yep - stretch. Luxurious baths. Keep the muscle around them strong.

44. Have a kitchen she enjoys cooking in.
Eh, not bad. I could use one of those island thingees.

45. Teach her husband to cook so if she should die first he doesn`t spend his remaining days eating tuna out of a can.
He can grill! And microwave!

46. Correct people who tell her that she looks good for her age by saying "This is what 50 looks like."
I have to wait a while for this one.

47. Take up an artistic pursuit such as painting or playing the piano without feeling silly about it.
Why would I feel silly. Okay - knitting MIGHT make me feel silly.

48. Boycott movies in which a 60-year-old actor romances a 21-year-old actress (just on principle).
If you want to - it should say.

49. Learn to love Jane Austen
Can I just watch the movies?

50. Give up the notion of being a "good girl" because she`s not a girl anymore.
Uh, okay.

All in all, an interesting list. The thing that has me most stymied is what my next sport's gonna be...

hln

Wisconsin Cities

Hey, all you Wisconsin bloggers - any of you live in any of these cities?

Found by coworker and friend Ted Eull.

hln

Girl Power

How would you like to tell your cellmates you were beaten up by a mob of teenaged girls?

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said on Friday.

Rudy Susanto, 25, who had exposed himself to teen-age girls on as many as seven occasions outside St. Maria Goretti School, struck again on Thursday just as students were being dismissed, police said.

But this time, a group of girls in school uniforms angrily confronted Susanto with help from some neighbors, police said. When Susanto tried to run, more than 20 girls chased him down the block. Two men from the neighborhood caught him and the girls took their revenge.

"The girls came and started kicking him and punching him, so I wasn't going to stop them," neighbor Robert Lemons told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Susanto was later treated for injuries at a local hospital. Police said he would be charged with 14 criminal counts including harassment, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and corrupting the morals of a minor.

Hmm, when it happened to me (different dude, obviously), all I could do was exclaim, "SHIT!" laugh really hard, and start walking quickly in the general direction of other people. This guy was in a car, though.

I like the punching and kicking approach mucccch better.

hln

Taking One for the Bartender

A quiz, that is. Hey, Bartender. Here you go.


Congratulations! You're a Long Island Iced Tea!

What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hln

Nothing Says "I'm an Individual" Like...

...posing naked with 449 of your "closest friends" in the name of art.

Hey, grandkids, that's me - see, number 332! I was so special.

hln

More Boobage Terminology

You guys think that manboob thing is getting old? Well, today I learned about the quadra-boob. (Blogspot blog - so Control+F quadra should get you there).

hln

Interview

Jennifer Larson of Jennifer's History and Stuff is interviewing me. She needs questions! She needs 'em quick, as the cut-off is midnight CST...today!

I will, of course, link to this when it's available to be read. Jennifer's e-mail is jenlars@hotmail.com.

She's interviewing others as well, so please be sure to tell her that the question is geared toward me. All questions will be anonymous in origin.

(If you don't send her questions, then I'll be forced to answer such inane standbys as "what are the names of your neighbors' 10 gerbils?)

hln

Headline of the Day

US surgeons part twins.

I always thought it was that humans were all twins or not twins at all. What one can learn from Europe!

hln

Aren't Headlines Fun

Computer Associates Shares Sink.

At first I thought the "s" on Associates was a typo. Damned literalist that I am.

hln

Decision-Making Tool Conference

That's right, folks, it's the 2003 Rock Paper Scissors International Championships.

Ohhhhhhh, baby! I like this tool. This is how Brian and I decide who's driving and who's drinking (and, darnit, he is pretty good at guessing my pysche at any given moment and knowing when to pull that paper move, sigh).

Still - got an argument over something stupid and inane? Rock Paper Scissors it. There, you feel much better now.

hln

The Blogger Drinking Game

Matt of Blackfive brings us The Blogger Drinking Game.

I think this was inspired by something called...the Cubs?

:)

hln

Myers-Briggs

I knew this one, too. Just validated it.



hln

Enneagram Test

Kelley of Suburban Blight points readers to this site, and I just started taking the tests. New tests are fun. Here are my results from the Enneagram; very accurate.



hln

Kitten Punching and Legumes

Jared expounds (and quite gracefully so, but brief) on the media's Arnold smear campaign.

And, everybody, remember to wipe down the bench.

hln

Better than Lemons to Lemonade

When comments bring him hate spam, Frank J. gives the rest of us a really good post.

Bless Ronin! (Is that grammatically correct, Frank? I don't think so.)

hln

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

I found this test via The Speculist

I liked it, and it appeared to be fairly accurate. The results came up with two types, one, a Linguistic Thinker (oh, definitely), and the other was an Intrapersonal Thinker. I'd have to say that's true, too.

Enjoy.

hln

PHRASE of the Day

The phrase of the day is "frisky unibrow." No, seriously. Unibrow came from the same wordsmith, just several hours later.

Incorporate THAT one in your blogs for me (or not).

hln

The Proper Way to Eat Carrots

Interested-Participant informs us that the British know the government-approved way to eat carrots.

Whatever will I do? I've done this all wrong my whole life. Is there redemption?

hln

The Word of the Day is...

FRISKY!

But make sure you use it with a Spanish accent for the proper effect.

hln

Once Bitten...

I'm surprised Electric Venom didn't snap this puppy up with a giant gulp.

Man bitten in Wal-Mart by a snake?

HUH?

What sorts of scenarios can we paint here given such limited information?

I'll give you two, but these are dull. It happened this way, or it didn't. Oh, I guess the snake could be a reincarnation of Sam Walton, and it was displeased with the man - that's kinda a sub-situation.

Comments section is open - what do YOU think?

hln

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

Alternate Title: How Soon is Now?

First, scroll ALL the way to the bottom. Blogspot isn't being friendly with permalinks.

Then, read.

hln

Ooh, Very Bad

Brian is a cooler operating system than I, who have worked WAY too much today.


Which OS are You?
hln

Spork and Web Services

Via Ted, my coworker and friend, I learned this.

Kansas City, MO - After a six month intense integration efforts, senior consultants at B2BIntegration Inc have been unable to get a plastic spork from service provider Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) to interoperate with an IBM mainframe.

If only they'd let ME configure it. Sigh. I am privy in the ways of Spork. (You've got to strip it all down and recompile the Colonel. I mean, doh.)

hln

Blackfive's Bash

So, Matt, when's the party?

Let's schedule this thing.

hln

Latest Obsessions

Hello all - I promise to write before linking, but linking is SOO (yes, two Os) much fun now because of....obsession #1.

Hans has long extolled the virtues of his RSS feed interpreter reader thingee to the point that one day he said "put an RSS feed on your blog." I complied. But, with Blogger, there ain't no easy way. Hence, I have a hand-coded feed I update every time after I post. I can put some fun stuff in the feed, though, and often I do.

At any rate, this weekend, I gave a bunch of different feed mulchers the whirl, and I'm still playing with two free ones. If anyone knows of a paid one that's worth the money, I'm willing to entertain that on recommendation. The last RSS aggregators standing are: Bloglines and MyWireService. The big deal about Bloglines is that it allows me to "group" feeds in a folder and then view the contents of the folder as one big amalgamated scrolling list of blogger goodness. The upside of MyWireService is that it's much simpler to find news-related channels. When I'm an expert in exporting this info, then I'll have the hook-up.

Obsession #2 has nothing to do with number 1. I'm crazy about Propel Fitness Water. I'm so crazy about it that it - with only 10 calories per serving (sugar/sucralose) and two servings to a bottle - has me excited about water. Only problem? That damned sugar. I've never been a soda drinker (and take that literally - I do mean NEVER), and so my teeth are in some pretty good condition. A week of drinking, oh, seven bottles a day, and my poor teeth are so sensitive on one side that I had to reevaluate my newfound boon. Kinda scary.

But, on the soda/teeth/sugar/Propel note, a coworker brought in a pamphlet from his dentist that says "Stop the Pop!" You guessed it - sugar/carbonation (acid, baby) do a double whammy to da teeth. I guess this isn't surprising; I've just never had to consider it. I found more info on the web if you're interested.

hln

Duck Soup

Via most of the Munuvians including but not limited to:

• Publius & Co
• Jen Larson
• Pixy Misa

Me, I'm a Super Hero Duck. Of course.



Quack.

hln

Classical XXX! Hot! Wahoo! No

Wahoo! No commentary necessary...yet. (Link).

Handel Masterpiece Gets 'Explicit' Label

SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP) - George Frideric Handel has at least one thing in common with Eminem and other modern artists: his music was slapped with an "explicit" warning at Apple Computer Inc.'s online iTunes Music Store.

The baroque composer's 1742 masterpiece, "The Messiah," was marked with the red warning that indicates the content might not be appropriate for young children or others with sensitive tastes. It's on a recording by the London Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by John Alldis.

The warning, which appeared when the album's tracks were made available Tuesday but disappeared late Tuesday, was most likely a technical mix-up, though "The Messiah" does touch on love, violence and death - in a more profound way than, say, most music produced 260 years later.

Hey, look out for that Water Music video. Steeeeamy!

hln

Gently-Bash-Liberals-With-Rational-Thought Night

I found two gentle but accurate pokes at liberals and decided to begin a post of themed links here. This may or may not get updated throughout the night as I do or do not find more.

1) The Yeti offers two links to Liberal "Rules" for Arguing. And they're dead on.

2) Michael Williams of Master of None writes about Idealistic Fools and chides thus:

The problem I have with most "liberals" (i.e., leftists) is that although they aren't purposefully fascist, they seem to think that they can bring about an "ideal" society -- utopia -- by forcing people to behave properly. Christopher, who writes in the comment section (and blogs here), isn't ill-intentioned, but he doesn't want to face the reality that many of his positions are untenable, and many of his policies are impossible to implement; in the attempt to create the utopia he desires, he would instead bring about the wholesale elimination of the freedoms he values.

Indeed.

hln

Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day

I refused to talk like a pirate today, but I will offer you Frank J's Know Thy Enemy: Pirates.

Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger... that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

(Link found via Jennifer's History and Stuff, though I shouldn't admit I visited her before Frank, now, should I?)

Also, Blackfive's got a quiz you can take to find your niche in the pirate hierarchy.

hln

Brrrrrr

The Meatriarchy would be serving up some frozen burgers if the blog were based outta Calgary.

Brrrrrrrrrr!.

hln

Nigerian E-mail Conference! My friend

My friend Tim forwarded me the link to this. It's good lunchtime snickering.

hln

Who is Asparagirl?

And where is she? I mean EVERYONE links to her (and now, well, so do I).

When I first started reading blogs, I'd pop in on her because, well, everyone links to her, and she has such a cool name. But she's mostly AWOL.

TTLB has her listed at #189 - she's a Large Mammal.

What a legacy!

hln

80's Song

80's Song

Via Brian.


"Sweet Dreams" (by Eurythmics) Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Brian is "When Doves Cry"

What does this MEAN? Aargh. (So, if I ask questions and do things like say, "discuss," does that garner comments? Should I post .wav files of me begging? That begging thing seems to work (see below).

On to something more serious...

hln

So Am I Jane?

Tarzan!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

hln

Quizilla Again

I took one more today:


You're a sphinx. You're one smart cookie, but
possibly a sociopath, seeing as you kill anyone
who can't answer your riddles correctly. The tv
show "who wants to be a millionaire"
would be much more interesting with you as the
host.

which monster from classical mythology are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hln

Herb

As seen on Little Miss Atilla - What herb are you?


YOU ARE MANDRAKE

What herb are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmph. No wonder I'm so unloved ;)

hln

A ha! He's a Hurricane

I have the proof. My esteemed spouse, Brian J, is a hurricane.

Most times we'll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, "Aha! A hurricane!" Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you'll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, "Wow! You're smart."

hln

Reminder

Reminder

Brian, I'd like to remind you that Jewel rhymes with drool and fool. Jewel - forever after to be known as Jool.

hln

New Job for Iraqi Information Minister

He's the dude on the phone. I'd hide in the closet, too.

Oh, and thankyouthankyou Brian m'love for finding the pic for me again. I printed it in February of 2002, and it is still affixed to my cubicle wall at work.

hln

Model Search

I want to be the t-shirt model for this. Someone recommend me? I can't just go in there in the comments and recommend myself, you see, because that would be far too blatant and I'd have no credability.

hln

Because Will Told Me To

Because Will Told Me To

Anything's funny at 8:40 on Monday morning. But this is especially strange. I will dream of it, I'm sure.

Oh, and this is equally disturbing. I have a 15 year-old private joke/true story with a friend from high school about a dog that vomited two-month old yellow Peeps in our presence (yellow ones, no less) on a blue carpet. Yellow and blue make green! And dogs and Peeps should never mix.

hln