October 04, 2006

Up at 4:25 a.m. Musings

So we have this baby. And he started out as this cute-while-sleeping and/or not-wailing bundle of...something. "They" tell you to get ready for changes, but no one really gives you objective advice other than the vague "it gets better" that helps you through the first several weeks of "when do I get a human?" instead of Fussbucket-whom-I-cannot-console.

And then something happens - this human becomes HUMAN. He smiles. He develops at this amazingly rapid pace, both physically and mentally. My baby just turned 3 calendar months old. He's in primarily 6 - 9 month-old clothing. He makes this obnoxious, "thhhhhhhhhhhhh" noise that cracks me up. He laughs. He likes the mirror. He likes to kick on the floor to trance music. And he LIKES me...wild.

I've never been especially maternal. Wasn't too comfortable with the thought of amazing responsibility involved in rearing a child (but at least was cognizant that that responsibility is there if one chooses to do so). But here we are. Child. Rearing. Wow.

The first night he was home from the hospital I listened for him to stop breathing. I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would be healthy. That I would be competent. I think I set the record for human praying. I adopted a mantra of "every moment is a gift" which I repeated ad nauseum (I know, that's what one does with a mantra) even through nearly gritted teeth as the wriggling lump wouldn't stop crying. I watched myself become competent and then good.

It's weird to be all about "other" when most of life has been all about self. Other is far, far more rewarding. But, I'm also glad I was able to get "other" back to sleep. Now, for self...


Posted by hln at October 4, 2006 03:26 AM | House and Home | TrackBack